


No Turning Back

by sam84



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-18 14:55:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 37,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2352398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sam84/pseuds/sam84
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beginning, endings and beginnings. Three part exploration of Alex and Piper's relationship. (Part II and III mostly AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I, Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work was my first fanfiction, it's been on fanfiction.net for a while, but I thought I'd try a wider audience. Hope you enjoy.

**No Turning Back**

Chapter 1

 

“Who _are_ you?”

“My name is Alex.”

 

We all have defining moments in our lives. Moments that you can return to in memory and pinpoint exactly when things altered course. It was like I could feel my life changing in that very moment. Like the moment a train moves onto a different track, the moment of choice at a crossroads. It wouldn’t matter how much I looked back after that moment, my life was heading in a sudden different direction, and at the end of that road was Alex Vause.

 

I had walked into the bar set on finding a job. Polly had finally convinced me that anything was better than nothing if I was ever going to escape my mother’s controlling attitude. She couldn’t have a financial hold on me if I was making my own way, and the less control she had, the better.

It would be easy. Polly and I faked a resume, she as my reference. _Manager Polly Harper._ How could I ever think that anyone would fall for that? But it was worth a try. How hard could waitressing be anyway?

I probably lost a bit of confidence when I approached the bar tender, thinking he would see straight through me. I faltered, just slightly, and that’s when I heard her voice for the first time.

“Hey you. Laura Ingalls Wilder.”

Could that be me? Did I look old fashioned? I couldn’t help myself from turning though, curious and drawn to the voice that was calling out over the relatively empty room. I turned and the moment I lay eyes on her my breath caught in my chest. _Please tell me it was her speaking._ And then she spoke again.

“We’re skipping America before the apocalypse. Wanna come?”

Yes. Yes I do. It was like her voice was luring me into a different world already.

Just then the bartender approached me. My whole conversation with him was just a blur. I could barely concentrate on what he was saying. Apparently they were not hiring and leaving a resume was not going to lead anywhere, so with a burning hope that other opportunities that presented themselves in the bar might lead somewhere, I ordered a margarita.

“It’s a little cold out for a margarita, don’t you think?”

Suddenly she was standing next to me, and I just stared at her like a complete idiot. So many witty comebacks raced through my mind but none of them reached my lips. My lips, her lips, I couldn’t help my eyes drifting to their brilliant red. _Stop staring! What are you doing?_ Why was I incapable of playing it cool when I needed to? I swear she could read everything I was thinking as it was probably plastered on my face. _Come on Chapman, you’re a Smith grad. Think of something to say_. Still nothing. Just blatant staring.

She picked up the resume off the bar. _Oh shit, please don’t read that…_ I could feel the embarrassment grow inside me before she even started reading. Out loud.

“Let’s see this.”

She read through the resume, immediately calling me on the bullshit that filled the page. Was I that transparent? If I couldn’t even fake a resume how was I going to hide the feelings that were rushing through me at the closeness of this woman?

“Safe, clean and careful when handling food and drink…”

I grabbed the paper from her, trying to hide my face behind my hand for a second until I realised that this would obscure my view of her. All I wanted to do was look at her, even though she was laughing at me.

“I like that in a woman.”

_Sorry, what?_

“So what else do I need to know about you?”

I could actually feel my mouth hang open. Was she flirting with me? Really? Was all the fun she made at my expense to get me worked up and to react? Because if that was her intension, it worked. I was definitely worked up. But for a whole bunch of other reasons. She could make fun of me all she wanted. As long as she kept on talking to me.

Somehow my brain started functioning again, at least enough to ask her what her name was.

“My name is Alex.”

Alex. The name rested easily on my tongue. I needed to know more about this Alex.

“And what do you do, Alex?”

“I work for an international drug cartel.”

Again, my mouth was hanging slightly open. Did I hear her correctly? Was she playing with me?

She started laughing. Her laughter filling my head, the sound rushing down my spine leaving just the slightest heat to grow in the pit of my belly. She could play with me all she wanted.


	2. Part I, Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

(Alex POV)

 

I was telling my friends how I had to walk barefoot through the airport after a particularly ridiculous run-in with airport security, all thanks to the wonders of the Bush administration, when the long blond hair caught my eye. I could spot a potential mule a mile away. The way she dressed, clearly a college grad with slight hippy tendencies. She was definitely a WASP, you could almost smell money on her, but there was something that seemed a little bit different about her. There was a certain air of insecurity, like she wasn’t sure she was in the right place.

I had to draw her attention to our table somehow. I called her Laura Ingalls Wilder, if she got that reference I knew I was on the right path. She looked like she could be an English major. Shyly she turned around, those big blue eyes making a seemingly electric connection with mine. I was always aware of the effect I could have on these young women, but I was not prepared for the effect that this one would have on me.

I shook off the feeling and joked with her about the apocalypse. She looked at us with a slightly bemused expression on her face before turning to the bar tender. By what I could gather from their conversation she was looking for a job. Perfect. She fit my usual agenda better by the second. Rich girl trying to shake off the hold her parents had on her by earning her own money. Used to certain comforts. This was going to be so easy.

 

I approached her at the bar just after she had ordered a margarita. After questioning her choice of beverage our eyes made contact again. This time it wasn’t over a distance. The nearness of her eyes caught me slightly off guard. Not that I would ever show it of course. My air of confidence was faultless, not even practiced.

I joked around with her, tearing her faked resume apart, gauging her reaction to being interrogated even if it was only mockingly. She was quiet, but she stood her ground. At least that’s what I thought, but I could swear she was staring at my mouth whenever she had a chance.

“Safe, clean and careful when handling food and drink…”

She grabbed the resume from me, her fingers making contact with mine for the briefest of moments. _Why am I even noticing this?_

“What else do I need to know about you?”

She looked at me head on. Her gaze at that moment was a game changer. Usually that would just be one of my lines, but the way she was looking at me, filled with a delicious mixture of innocence and lust, made me mean what I had said. I did want to know more about her. I wanted to know everything. But this was a game for two, and finally she stepped up to the plate.

She started out with the easy questions, what was my name, what did I do. Of course she was not prepared for the answer to the latter. I was a nice test I set for the women I met, something I had learned from Fahri. Her reaction to my answer was one of complete disbelief. I laughed it off to make her feel more comfortable, still not sure whether I would share the whole truth with her later. She was the picture of innocence, which usually meant that she would evade customs brilliantly, but in this instance it meant more to me. For some unknown reason her innocence made me want to protect her. In that moment I was torn between wanting to turn another girl into a mule and wanting to shield her from everything my world had to offer. I was at the fork in the road. My decision to stay or walk away would possibly alter both our lives for ever. But what if those weren’t my only two options? What if I could make her part of my life without putting her in danger? I felt like such a pussy. What was I doing?

It had been ages since I allowed myself contact with a beautiful woman that was not business orientated. Sure, I had gotten pleasure from the girls that I employed, but with this woman, Piper Chapman, I had a feeling I was in for a whole different ride.


	3. Part I, Chapter 3

Chapter 3

 

Any bystander would have thought that the two women had known each other for ages. One seated and one standing by the bar counter, laughing together, fleeting touches that seemed so natural and in place.

 

It had been almost two hours since Alex had first drawn Piper’s attention. It had been a few more margaritas for Piper and a few more beers for Alex, and the conversation was flowing freely.

“To be honest, I prefer wine”, said Alex. She continued to elaborate on her travels in France.

“There’s this particular vineyard I love in the south, about an hour away from the Spanish border with a stunning view of the Pyrenese mountain. You’ll love it. Maybe I should take you there some time.”

“Oh really?” Piper was in awe of Alex’s experience. She seemed so knowledgeable, so well-travelled, and most importantly, so well read.

“And how do you plan to afford this little trip you want to take me on?”

Remembering that Piper had laughed with her earlier when she had confessed to working for an international drug cartel, Alex was again in two minds as to whether she should confess the truth. Again she had this nagging feeling that something about Piper made her deserving of the full story, that she didn’t want to bring Piper into her life on false pretences. She had just the right amount of alcohol in her veins to build up the courage.

“Look,” she said, “I really like you”

At this, Piper’s eyes went wide again. This time, however, with a particular smirk that betrayed the fact that she was also filled with a bit more Dutch courage than necessary.

“So?” she asked.

“So, I want to be honest with you. And what I’m about to say to you will either make you run away and forget about me, or, and this is what I’m kinda hoping for, it will leave you more intrigued by me and make you stay.”

“I don’t think anything you say could make me forget about you, even if it does make me run away.” Piper’s response caught Alex slightly off guard, but gave her the last boost of confidence she needed. This in itself struck Alex as strange, as she had never been worried about what anyone thought of her occupation, and she had certainly never needed a confidence boost.

“I wasn’t joking earlier.”

“About working for an international drug cartel?”

“I’m surprised you remember.”

“Hey,” said Piper indignantly, “I might be slightly under the influence, but I don’t think I would forget something that dramatic.”

“Dramatic? What if it was true?”

To this, Piper again caught herself staring at Alex. Was she playing with her again? Surely a woman of her intellect and experience wouldn’t need to revert to the same joke twice.

“You’re not kidding, are you?’

Piper’s eyes were wide. With surprise, with fear, with expectation.

“No.”

Just the one word from Alex. Piper knew that the ball was entirely in her court now.

“What if I said it didn’t bother me?”

“Would you be lying?”

“What if it was just the right amount of truth to make you stay?”

This caught Alex completely off guard. To make _her_ stay? While she was afraid of scaring Piper away the whole time, had Piper been playing her?

There was silence between the two women for a while. Alex searched Piper’s face for any signs, and all she found was the same innocence she was drawn to in the first place. Yet something in the back of her mind was telling her to be careful, that maybe her working in the drug trade was not the most dangerous thing to be exposed this night. She found herself wondering what secrets this young blonde in front of her could be hiding.

“Oh, I’m not going anywhere,” replied Alex finally. “But I do find your choice of words intriguing. What is just the right amount of truth?”

Piper seemed to consider this for a moment, sipping her margarita and teasingly licking the salt from her lips with the very tip of her tongue.

Alex was suddenly weary. This was the one time she didn’t want to be just another experiment for a straight post grad who wanted to tick off an item on her list. So many bi-curious straight girls these days, and where she would usually use that to her advantage this was not how she wanted the night to turn out. Was this what Piper had meant with just the right amount of truth?

“What I mean by the right amount of truth is that I would say just about anything to get out of this bar and feel your hands on me.”

Piper’s breath was hot in her neck, sending wonderful shivers down her long limbs. Alex had been ready for this moment the whole night, and now that it had finally arrived, she was almost unsure of what to do. She did not like being played or experimented with unless it was to her advantage. Of course she didn’t want to let this seemingly glorious opportunity go, but she had to make sure that it would play out in her favour. This was very much a question of “my place or yours”, and Alex needed to take control of the situation.

“Let me take you to mine.”

Piper didn’t even falter at the invitation. She was more than ready for what was to follow, even if she was unsure of the consequences she would have to face the next morning. At the moment, however, the next morning seemed like a distant idea that had no influence on her current situation. With one last, assertive look at Alex, she stood up off her chair to face the raven haired woman.

“Take me wherever you want. Just do it now.”


	4. Part I, Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 

Alex threw a bunch of crisp bills on the bar counter, not missing a beat between the blonde’s statement and getting the hell out of there. She was excited, a feeling that was somewhat unfamiliar. She took women home on a regular basis, but always to win them over to work for her. This felt different. She had just the slightest knot in her stomach. Could she be nervous? Alex Vause, the epitome of cool and calm, was nervous. She couldn’t decipher what made Piper different. She still wasn’t even sure whether she would be a potential mule. But in this moment she didn’t care. She didn’t want to think about work. She needed this for her, to feel excitement other than the thrill she got from her job.

Alex took Piper by the hand, barely giving her enough time to collect her bag before they made their way to the exit. On opening the door the crisp night air hit them. It _was_ a bit chilly for margaritas, thought Piper. The cold had a slightly sobering effect on the blonde, and just for a split second she wanted to reconsider what she was doing. This was completely unlike her. She had found women attractive before, but she had never considered going home with them. What if she was just setting herself up for embarrassment? Her mind was quickly cleared of any such ridiculous thoughts as Alex once again took her hand and pulled her towards a taxi. The feeling of her skin sent jolts of burning energy through Piper’s body, culminating in a warm glow in her core. Thought seemed to stop, her entire body focussing on the simple touch.

As they got into the car Alex gave the address to the driver, the urgency in her voice making it clear that they were in a hurry. A silence fell over them as the taxi sped away from the curb. Alex still had Piper’s hand in hers. The two women turned their bodies slightly to look at each other. Neither of them wanted to speak, each lost in their own thoughts, own expectations. The air was thick with anticipation. Alex was highly aware of Piper’s breathing, aware of how her chest was rising and falling, aware of her lips pouting slightly when she exhaled. Images rushed through her mind of kissing those lips, of feeling them on her body, burning a trail over her skin. Her own breath caught slightly, the dull ache she had been feeling in her core becoming stronger. Just as she considered closing the distance between them the taxi came to a stop in front of her building. She continued to look at Piper, the nervous feeling returning slightly stronger than before.

“Are you sure?” She couldn’t help herself asking. She still felt that she needed to protect Piper.

“Absolutely.” Piper’s response was all she needed. Again she took out a few bills and passed them to the driver, not even looking at the amount that was exchanged. By the look on the driver’s face it was well worth his while though.

They exited the cab still holding hands, seemingly afraid that a loss of contact would break the spell that had been cast over them. Their silence remained until they reached the door of Alex’s apartment. She swiftly slid the key into the lock, her hands sure and stable. She was surprised that they weren’t shaking.

She flicked on the light as they entered and could hear Piper’s slight gasp as she took in the sight before her. Books lining almost every wall, beautiful designer chairs. Piper was pulled out of her daze by the sound of the door closing behind her. _This was it,_ she thought. There was no running away now, no turning back. In this moment though, all her insecurities fell away. Something about being in Alex’s space, being surrounded by her smell, made her feel indescribably safe, almost at home. She turned to face Alex once again. Still they did not speak, the intensity of their gaze becoming almost unbearable as they slowly closed the gap between their bodies. Both of them were burning with desire but neither wanted to rush. As the distance grew smaller, Piper’s hands made their way up Alex’s arms to close at the back of her neck, her fingers getting lost in the beautiful dark locks. Alex brought her hands to rest on Piper’s waist, Piper’s eyes closing at the touch. Alex pulled the blonde towards her slightly, finally closing the distance between them completely. At the contact Piper’s eyes sprang open, her whole body felt like it had been reawakened, her nerve endings burning with energy. She looked straight into the hypnotic green-grey eyes that were slightly above hers. Time seemed to slow as Alex leaned down the slightest bit to bring her lips to Piper’s.

Their first kiss was gentle. Soft but filled with promise. Their mouths moved slowly against each other, exploring and committing to memory every curve of their lips. Alex was growing slightly impatient though. As much as she wanted so savour every moment with Piper, she needed more of her. She needed to know how she tasted. Alex carefully let the tip of her tongue trace the inside of Piper’s bottom lip, quietly begging for entry. Piper immediately complied, opening her lips to Alex and allowing her tongue to explore more freely. At the taste of Alex Piper let out an almost carnal moan. She had never experienced anything like this. Her hands closed around Alex’s hair, pulling slightly, wanting to bring their bodies even closer together.

Alex completely encircled Piper’s waist with her arms. Their kisses became more heated, more urgent. Soft moans escaping between them. Alex moved her hands down Piper’s hips to come to rest on her ass. She pulled the blonde hard towards her, feeling her centre make contact with her thigh. At this Piper head fell back, breaking their kiss for the first time. Her heart felt like it would break out of her chest. As inexperienced as Piper was when it came to women, she didn’t need any other signs that they both needed things to progress. Fast.

She found herself looking at Alex’s slightly swollen lips. _I did that,_ she thought. The heat that was emanating from their bodies made her feel like she was on fire, and definitely overdressed.

“I want you.” Piper’s voice was just above a whisper. It was the first words uttered since they left the car. It was like her words awoke something in Alex that was almost primitive. Gone were the thoughts of protecting the younger woman, gone were any thoughts of taking it slow. She turned them around and without any hesitance pinned Piper against the door with her body. Their mouths found each other instantly, tongues fighting for dominance, neither of the relinquishing control.

Alex pulled Piper’s leg up against her body, pressing her thigh hard against the other woman’s centre. Piper moaned deeply against her mouth. Alex tore her lips away from Piper’s and hungrily kissed her way down the younger woman’s neck, nipping slightly with her teeth, just catching the skin. Piper’s hips thrust towards Alex at the feeling of her tongue and teeth on her skin. She needed more contact. She knew Alex could feel the heat of her cunt against her thigh, she needed to know what Alex felt like. She needed to know if Alex was nearly as wet as she was.

Fumbling slightly Piper started loosening the red belt that was around Alex’s waist. Alex was quick to join her in the process of disrobing one another. She practically tore at Piper’s top, needing to feel the heat of her skin against her own. Trying to break contact as little as possible the two women finally managed to shed all their clothing. There was a sudden silence that fell over them as they looked at each other for the first time, eyes raking over glorious expanses of skin, a lascivious grin forming slowly on Alex’s face. She stepped closer to Piper again and raked her finger nails up the blonde’s thigh. She could see the goose bumps form on her arms from the sensation. They kissed again, bringing their bodies together. The moment Piper felt Alex’s naked body against hers she thought she would lose all semblance of control. The utterly delicious feeling of soft skin gliding against her own made Piper’s body feel like it had a mind of its own. She pressed herself into Alex, whose hands had started feverishly exploring the blonde’s body. She teased Piper with light touches and demanded more with her nails digging into Piper’s flesh. Piper’s hips had started rocking against Alex, her body making her desires abundantly clear.

Alex once again started kissing her way down Piper’s neck, running her tongue along her collar bone before descending on a perfect soft breast. She could hear Piper’s sharp intake of breath as she took her nipple into her mouth, feeling it harden against her tongue as she rolled it between her teeth. Piper’s breathing was getting heavier, filled with need. Alex wasn’t planning on making her wait too much longer. She needed Piper just as much. Still with her mouth on Piper’s breast, Alex dragged her nails down Piper’s abdomen, hard enough to leave the skin slightly raised. Piper sucked the air in through her teeth, delighting in the slight pain that made her body even more aware of everything it was feeling. She could feel Alex’s hand move closer to her pussy, her need making her thrust her hips forward begging for contact. The moment Alex’s fingers parted her lips she felt like she would combust.

Alex’s fingers slid easily through the moisture of Piper’s hot cunt. She couldn’t help but let out a moan at the contact, biting down slightly on Piper’s nipple. She ran her fingers through the length of Piper’s slit, coating her fingers in her wetness before unfalteringly sliding two fingers into her. Piper’s head fell back against the door, a guttural moan escaping her throat as she felt Alex inside her for the first time. She started moving against Alex more aggressively, wanting to feel her everywhere. Alex’s filled her perfectly as she expertly thrust her fingers into her moist, warm cunt. But it wasn’t enough. Piper brought her hands to Alex’s shoulders and started pressing down, communicating exactly what she wanted Alex to do. Alex was surprised at how assertive the previously shy blonde had suddenly become, but the last thing she was going to do was complain. She couldn’t wait to taste Piper. She kissed her way down Piper’s belly, tracing the raised skin from her scratches with her tongue before blowing cool air onto them. Piper’s back arched at this, yet she continued to steer Alex towards her centre. She could only imagine what Alex’s tongue would feel like on her, the very thought bringing her that much closer to the edge.

Before she could fantasize any further, Alex’s tongue was on her, licking greedily at her slit before making its way to her throbbing clit. Alex flattened her tongue against Piper’s cunt, drinking in as much of her as possible while still thrusting her nimble finger in and out of her pussy. Alex’s own wetness was growing, the throbbing heat between her thighs becoming almost unbearable. She pushed her own needs to the back of her mind though as Piper’s exceedingly vocal enjoyment of her touches brought her full attention back to making the blonde cum. Alex revelled in how good Piper tasted, knowing that she would not soon get her fill of this woman. She needed to feel Piper lose control. She added a third finger to her ministrations of Piper’s centre as her tongue worked Piper’s clit harder, immediately feeling Piper’s inner muscles start to clench around her fingers. She thrust deeper, harder, knowing Piper was so close to the edge. As she sucked Piper’s clit completely into her mouth she felt the walls of her cunt constrict around her fingers. Piper dug her nails into Alex’s shoulders, hard enough to almost draw blood. Alex moaned against her pussy as the pain coursed through her body, but she wasn’t going to stop fucking Piper until she was completely spent. Piper’s voice was ringing in her ears as the blonde released moan after screaming moan.

The blonde’s knees finally buckled under her and she collapsed into Alex’s arms. The dark haired woman lay their bodies against the welcoming cool of the wooden floors, stretching herself out against Piper quivering frame. She kissed Piper’s flushed skin softly, gently bringing her down from the heights of her orgasm. Piper moaned softly as she tasted herself on Alex’s lips. She stared up at the woman who had just given her the most intense orgasm of her life. She got lost in the depth of those green eyes, wondering whether she was really getting lost or giving herself up freely.

“Hey.” Piper’s voice was hoarse.

“Hey,” replied Alex softly. This moment of tenderness was so unusual for her, yet it felt so utterly natural.

Piper let her gaze move to study her surroundings. They were lying on the floor by the front door, not having even made it to the living room. She giggled slightly at this. In her post-orgasmic haze she looked at Alex again.

“Nice place,” she whispered.

Piper lifted her head slightly and pointed to the living room.

“So, what happens in there?” she asked, her voice the epitome of innocence.

“Let me show you.”


	5. Part I, Chapter 5

Chapter 5

 

Alex woke with the late morning sun warming her exposed back. Her mind had come back to consciousness but she wasn’t ready to open her eyes. She breathed deeply, stretching her arm out to the other side of the bed to feel… nothing. Her yes sprung open. _What the fuck?_ No, no, no. That was her thing. She was the one who got up and left without saying goodbye, without leaving a note, a phone number. She didn’t get used like this. She looked at the bedside table. There was no piece of paper, no note, nothing. She couldn’t believe it. Had she been so wrong about Piper? Is this what she got for believing “just the right amount of truth”? Maybe she should have seen it coming. Maybe Piper had woken up and finally realised that being any part of Alex’s life would be a giant mistake. She covered her face with her hands, realising that she could still smell Piper on her fingers. The scent threw her mind back to the previous night, vivid images of Piper’s body, how she had moved under her, on top of her. She couldn’t stop her body from reacting to her memories. Alex immediately felt a familiar heat coursing through her. _No fucking way. She’s not going to have a hold on me._ With this Alex forced herself out of bed. She went to the bathroom and washed her hands and face, trying to remove traces of Piper as best she could. If only she could administer the same cleansing ritual to her mind.

She decided the best way to deal with this was to carry on like nothing had happened. To pretend that the previous night meant nothing. That it was merely another one night stand like so many countless others. She would go about her day like any other. Starting with coffee.

She quickly dressed in a t-shirt and comfortable pants and pulled open the bedroom door. She made her way down the short passage that lead to the living room and kitchen. Her mind was attacked once again by memories so real they were almost tangible. She couldn’t help but chuckle to herself. _Was there a single surface in that house they didn’t fuck on?_ The dining room table, the couch, the kitchen counter, even the floor of the passage way. It had taken them quite some time to actually make it to the bedroom. Even though Alex couldn’t help but smile at this, it made her realise that getting Piper out of her head was not going to be as easy as she thought.

As she entered the living room however, time stopped. This was the last thing she expected to see. She stopped dead in her tracks. She stopped breathing. The sight before her was so perfect and so utterly unexpected that she didn’t want to blink for fear of losing the moment. There was Piper, wearing just one of Alex’s t-shirts, legs pulled in under her on the chair by the window. Lost in a book, the light catching her hair to create a glowing halo around her face.  Alex could actually feel her heart swell at the image before her. Of course she had expected the worst. She had always been a cynic. But the one thing she always said about being cynical, is that when you always expect the worst it makes it so much greater when things go right. And this was going very right. Still mesmerised by the scene in front of her Alex leaned slightly against the wall, wanting to drink in this moment for as long as possible. _Why does this feel so right?_ To Alex it seemed that the longer she stood looking at Piper, the more that feeling grew in her. _She looks like she belongs here._

Alex rarely made room for other people in her life. She had friends of course, but her life was designed to keep others at a safe distance. She didn’t like things to get complicated. She rarely had people in her space, preferring to be left to her books and work in peace. Socialising with others mostly happened at bars or clubs, and when she did go home with someone it was usually to their place, allowing her to sneak out when she needed to. The irony was not lost on Alex. She had done so many times exactly what she was so mad about seconds earlier. Is this how the other women felt when they woke up to an empty bed after a night with her? She felt the slightest pang of guilt. But none of that mattered now, because Piper was still here, Alex had lost all feelings of anger and hurt.

As if sensing Alex’s gaze, Piper lifted her eyes from the pages in front of her. Her beautiful mouth curled into the biggest grin as her eyes made contact with Alex. She took in the woman standing against the wall, her hair loose around her face, the blue tips resting lightly on the curve of her breasts. Her glasses reflected the light slightly, keeping Piper from seeing Alex’s eyes, but if the playful smile on her lips was anything to go by, Piper was pretty sure that those eyes were burning with exactly the same desire that she could feel rushing through her own being. How was it possible that just being in a room with this woman could jolt every one of her senses so? Her heightened awareness made her body tingle, she could hear her heart thudding in her chest. It was so strong that she was almost sure Alex could hear it too. She was starting to wonder which one of them would break the silence first, not that she minded just looking for a while.

“Good morning.” It was Alex that spoke. Her raspy voice sending a delicious shiver down Pipers’ spine.

“Hey,” was all Piper could utter. It seemed that her brain was refusing to function in the presence of this woman.

Alex slowly made her way over to where Piper was sitting. She place her hands on the arms of the chair, leaning down to Piper who in turn raised her head slightly. Alex lingered, her face inches away from Piper’s, enjoying the expectation she saw growing in the other woman’s eyes.

“What are you reading?” Alex wanted to play for just a little while. She wasn’t going to give Piper what she wanted that easily, not after the scare she got that morning at waking to an empty bed. Piper’s eyes went wide, clearly not expecting such a general question. She faltered slightly before she remembered the book in her lap. She had chosen a book at random from one of the many shelves that lined the walls of the apartment. She had quickly gotten lost in the prose, the story unfolding poetically on the pages. She looked at the cover, not even remembering what the title was. Before she could read the title Alex took the book from her and held it up to read. She kept her face close to Piper’s as she read the title of the book.

“Written On The Body by Jeanette Winterson. I remember this one,” Alex said, raising her eyebrows slightly.

She lowered herself onto the chair, her body hugging Piper’s closely, the contact making both of them inhale deeply. Alex was still going to play it cool for a while though, as much as she wanted to just take Piper then and there, she had to make the blonde suffer just a little bit. Her practiced nonchalance being a great tool in this moment. She opened the book to what was clearly a favourite page, worn and slightly marked. She leaned in to Piper just a little bit more, pressing her breasts and thighs against her before she started reading.

“ _When she lifted the soup spoon to her lips how I longed to be that innocent piece of stainless steel. I would gladly have traded the blood in my body for half a pint of vegetable stock. Let me be diced carrot, vermicelli, just so that you will take me in your mouth. I envied the French stick. I watched her break and butter each piece, soak it slowly in her bowl, let it float, grow heavy and fat, sink under the deep red weight and then be resurrected to the glorious pleasure of her teeth._

_The potatoes, the celery, the tomatoes, all had been under her hands. When I ate my own soup I strained to taste her skin. She had been here, there must be something of her left. I would find her in the oil and onions, detect her through the garlic. I knew that she spat in the frying pan to determine the readiness of the oil. It’s an old trick, every chef does it, or did. And so I knew when I asked her what was in the soup that she had deleted the essential ingredient. I will taste you if only through your cooking.”_

Alex slowly closed the book as her voice trailed off towards the end of the sentence. She could feel the heat rising from Piper’s body, she had felt her body changing with every word she had read. Alex brought her face to Piper’s neck, spotting the smallest bruise from her teeth that was left during one of their heated sessions around the apartment. She inhaled Piper’s scent. She could still smell the sex on the woman’s sun warmed skin. Her control was slipping, and quickly. Piper, however, was not going to wait any longer.

Piper moved suddenly, turning her body to rest on top of Alex’s, straddling her hips. She leant down and kissed the darker woman fiercely. She had been hungering for Alex all morning, it had taken all her self-control to let her sleep while all she wanted was to continue what they had started the night before. It was only fair to let Alex rest though, Piper had done an excellent job of tiring her out. She could not wait any longer, especially not after listening to Alex read, watching the words fall from her lips, her dark voice seemingly leaving a trail of heat rushing over her body. She knew the passage was carefully chosen, “ _lips, pleasure… taste her skin…”_ all designed to heighten her desire. It worked.

Piper wasted no time in requesting entrance to Alex’s mouth. Her tongue sliding into the warmth that awaited her, sliding against Alex’s own with a sense of urgency not felt by either of the women before. Piper’s impatience was growing, however. Her hands were already pulling at the t-shirt that was keeping her from Alex’s skin. They separated for just long enough to rid themselves of their shirts before Piper slammed her body into Alex’s again. The desire between the two women was palpable. Piper grabbed a handful of Alex’s hair as she started grinding her hips against the older woman, her other hand making a path to her desired destination. She suddenly changed her mind though, the words that Alex had read to her still coursing through her mind. She pulled away from Alex, staring intensely into the other woman’s green orbs.

“I want to taste you. All of you. I don’t want you diluted, I don’t want to play games. I want you in my mouth whole, I want to drink you in and feel you becoming a part of me.”

Piper surprised even herself with her words. She meant them though. She knew that it might have been a little too intense but she was not afraid of scaring Alex away. It was clear that this was not just going to be a fling, the feelings apparent in both women’s eyes. Alex’s eyes darkened considerably at Pipers words. She was left speechless. The only response she could muster was crashing her mouth into Piper’s with renewed desire. This was enough for Piper. She trailed a path of hot wet kisses down Alex’s neck, over her torso, not even stopping to give attention to her wonderful breasts. There would be time for that later. Right now Piper only had one goal in mind. To taste Alex. She moved her body down to kneel between Alex’s legs, pulling at her pants to remove them as quickly as possible. She grabbed Alex’s hips and pulled her down on the chair roughly, placing her long gorgeous legs over her shoulders. Piper wrapped her arms around her gloriously soft thighs, pulling them apart to grant her access the Alex’s warm cunt. As Alex’s scent hit her she inhaled deeply, savouring the thought that it was all for her.

Piper was not going to wait a second longer. She pressed her open mouth against Alex’s wet pussy, delighting in the sharp intake of breath coming from the other woman. She let her tongue part Alex’s folds, relishing in the taste she found there. Alex was so wet for her, so ready. She let her tongue explore Alex’s slit, dipping the tip of her tongue into her entrance and then dragging it slowly up to her clit. Alex’s hips lifted off the chair, desperately trying to increase the contact. She dared to open her eyes for just a second, and seeing the expression of the blonde between her legs brought a new rush of desire flowing through her body. Piper was completely lost in her. Alex needed more though. She brought one hand down from where she was grabbing at the back of the chair for support and placed it behind Piper’s head. At this Piper redoubled her efforts, her tongue moving harder and faster against Alex. Piper knew it wasn’t enough though. She brought her hand from Alex’s hip and without hesitating thrust two fingers into her cunt. Alex’s hips arched off the chair, a deep animalistic moan escaping her lips. There was nothing hesitant or gentle about the way Piper was fucking her. It was pure desire. Piper kept on moving in and out of her with a powerful rhythm, holding Alex’s hips in place with her free hand. Her tongue kept on working her swollen clit, harder and faster. She needed Alex to cum. She wanted to lap up every last drop of ecstasy. She could feel that Alex was close. She curled her fingers slightly in Alex’s cunt and knew immediately that Alex was being pushed over the edge. Alex’s hips stilled mid thrust, her entire body tensing at the intensity of the sensation that was ripping through her. She opened her mouth to cry out but no sound would come. Her body stayed like that for seconds, Piper greedily lapping at her cunt, drawing out her orgasm to the very limits.

Alex collapsed back onto the chair, her hand still in Piper’s hair. She pulled slightly, indicating that she needed the blonde to come to her. There was no way she was capable of moving. Piper slowly kissed her way up Alex’s glistening body, licking at the tiny drops of sweat. She gently pulled off the glasses that Alex was still wearing and placed them next to the armchair. She took Alex’s face in her hands and kissed her softly, her lips, her eyes, the tip of her nose. Alex looked completely at peace. And she was. As she opened her eyes slowly she looked straight into the bright blue of Piper’s. There was a mutual smile growing on both their faces. Satisfied. Alex blinked that slow, cat-like blink of hers. She was still not capable of actual thought. Before she could help herself though, the words tumbled from her lips.

“I thought you had gone. This morning, when I woke up, I thought you’d left.” She didn’t know why she was saying this now. Maybe because all her defences had been broken down by the intensity of the orgasm. Or maybe because, by the way Piper was looking at her, she knew that the blonde was not just going to disappear.

“I’m here.” It was all Piper needed to say. She didn’t need to give reasons or make excuses. All that mattered now was what was happening in this moment.

Alex grinned against Pipers skin.

“And to think, I just got up to come get some coffee. I could get used to this though” she said with raised eyebrows.

Piper giggled lightly. She definitely could get used to this too. She held Alex tightly for a few more seconds before pulling away to look at her. She needed to make sure that Alex was going to hear her when she said:

“I’m not going anywhere.”


	6. Part I, Chapter 6

Chapter 6

 

“I feel like a teenager. I know it’s completely ridiculous but I can’t stop thinking about her and I’m grinning like an idiot the whole time.”

“I still can’t believe what you’re fucking telling me. When did you even become a lesbian? How did I not know this about you?”

Piper laughed out loud at this. The tone of utter disbelief in Polly’s voice was rather amusing.

“Just because I’m sleeping with a woman doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. You don’t have to put this in a box immediately you know. I’m a people person, you know that. She’s a person, not a category.”

Piper occasionally wondered how she remained friends with Polly. There were just moments in which she felt that Polly really didn’t understand her. She was always trying to make things fit into her way of thinking. Usually Piper could just ignore this, but she needed Polly to understand how she felt, that this wasn’t simply an experiment or a phase. Even though it had only been a few days since she had first met Alex, Piper was absolutely sure that their relationship would last beyond the usual two month deadline. She was getting completely lost in Alex and yet finding so much of herself at the same time. 

 

Her thoughts were cast back to the first morning she had woken up next to Alex. Seeing the sleeping woman next to her in the soft light of day for the first time. The gentle and peaceful expression on her face so different to the intense and lustful expressions of the night before. Two sides of the same coin, both perfect. She was torn between wanting to kiss Alex awake and letting her sleep. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the softness of the lips that were mere inches away from her. It occurred to her then that this was an ideal chance to explore Alex's home undisturbed. She quietly slid out from under the covers and looked around for something to wear. She had absolutely no idea where her clothes were. She scanned the room and found a t-shirt that had been discarded on a chair. She slipped it on and could not stop her eyes from closing as she was enveloped in Alex's scent. She inhaled deeply, revelling in the lingering tones of spice and warmth. She cast one last look at the slumbering woman before her exploration of the apartment began. 

Piper took her time studying the art displayed on the walls. Alex had an eclectic collection, sourced on her clearly vast travels. Alex had hinted at having travelled a lot the previous night, but only now could Piper see how modest she had been. There were photos and artefacts from locations as close as Mexico and as distant as Cambodia. Piper found herself tracing the images from the latter country with the tip of her fingers. She had always longed to go there, to experience the culture and history. She remembered Alex saying that she wanted to take Piper to France, what she was wondering now was how much a joke that was.

Piper walked slowly through the rest of the apartment. She was hoping that she could decipher more of Alex through her possessions, but she also wanted to know as much about the woman as possible. What coffee did she drink, what was her choice on breakfast cereal? Even the seemingly mundane things could just maybe give her clues and insight. She made her way to the living room, walking past the bookshelves, letting her fingers run across the spines of the countless volumes. She picked a book at random and seated herself by the window. She let herself be drawn in to the story, but always with the subconscious wish that Alex would wake up soon.

 

“Piper!”

Piper was ungracefully pulled back to reality by Polly’s voice.

“Are you even listening to me? When do I meet her?”

Piper honestly hadn’t even thought about this. Did she even want Polly to meet Alex? Was she ready for how judgmental she knew her friend was going to be? If she was being honest Piper was going to try and delay such a meeting as long as possible. She was trying to avoid the interrogation she knew she would face afterwards from her friend, but she also wanted to keep Alex to herself for a good while longer.

“She’s really busy at the moment Polly, but I’ll be sure to mention you when I see her again.” Piper was only half lying. If she had anything to do with it Alex would definitely have her hands full as often as possible.

Piper’s phone beeped in her ear. She looked at the screen again the schoolgirl grin spread over her face. It was Alex.

“Polly, I have to go. There’s a call coming in, it might be about a job. Talk to you soon.” She didn’t even give her friend time to respond or object before she switched the calls.

“Hey kid.” Piper could hear the smile in Alex’s voice. She wasn’t exactly sure when Alex had started calling her “kid”, but she never objected and so the name had stayed.

“I was just thinking about you.” Piper was kicking herself just a little. She really was acting like a love sick teenager.

“What were you thinking exactly?” Alex had such a talent for turning any conversation to flirting in seconds.

“I was thinking about waking up next to you. How good it felt… How good you feel.” Piper wasn’t wasting any time with the flirting either.

“Well, I’m sure that we can make a plan for that to happen. But what I really want to know right now is whether you will go to dinner with me tonight?” Alex was unconsciously holding her breath. She hadn’t asked anyone out on a date in ages, the nervous excitement growing in her was completely foreign.

“A date?” Piper’s grin had just grown dramatically.

“I suppose you could call it that, yes.”

“Well then I suppose I’ll say yes then.” Piper was giddy at the thought of seeing Alex again. _Pull it together Piper,_ she thought to herself, _you’re a fucking grown woman._

They arranged to meet at the restaurant that Alex had chosen. Piper hadn’t heard of it but the last thing on her mind was whether she was actually going to enjoy the meal or not. She looked at the time and immediately ran to her room to work her way through possible outfits. Hours later she looked at herself in the mirror, pleased with what she saw. She kept her make-up minimal and the little black dress she was wearing complimented her shape in every possible way. She had debated the outfit with herself but in the end decided that one could never go wrong with a little black number, and half an hour later when she walked up to Alex who was waiting for her by the restaurant bar, she knew she had made the right decision.

Alex couldn’t stop her jaw from dropping slightly as Piper walked through the door of the restaurant. The younger woman looked simply delectable. The first thought that crossed her mind was to simply skip the dinner and take Piper home immediately, but she forced that idea to the back of her mind. She had been spending a lot of time thinking about what was developing between her and Piper. She knew it was more than just sex with them. They had spent hours talking, discussing books and art and politics. Their interaction had become exceedingly comfortable, stealing kisses between the shelves in bookshops, light touches whenever they would pass near each other. Alex had been enjoying every second with Piper, but she knew that if she was going to allow herself to be vulnerable with her, she needed to play her part in creating a relationship that was based on more than just sex and easy conversation. They hadn’t talked about their histories or hopes, fears and fantasies. Despite being wary of sharing herself, Alex knew that she would have to if she was going to get to know Piper the way she wanted to. Completely.

Piper finally reached Alex and immediately leaned in for a kiss. She had missed feeling the older woman close to her, missed breathing in her scent. Their kiss was starting to verge on inappropriate when they pulled apart, remembering their very public location. As they were being led to their table Alex couldn’t help herself from staring at Piper’s body as she walked in front of her. _Cool it Vause,_ she thought to herself. There would be more than enough time to explore Piper’s body later. She just had to make it through dinner.

Alex took the lead in ordering the wine while Piper was scanning the menu. The wine arrived and they ordered their meals, raising their glasses to each other when their waiter had disappeared.

“Here’s to us.” Alex raised her eyebrows slightly as Piper said this. _Us._ She was relieved that Piper had chosen the collective to describe them. It was, after all, what she wanted to be, an us. She liked the sound of that.

“This wine is amazing. What is it?”

“Remember that vineyard in France I was telling you about? This is their flagship wine. The sommelier always makes sure there’s a few bottles in stock for me. I’m usually here alone and we ended up talking one night. Turned out I knew his brother and we became friends after that. It’s one of the reason’s I brought you here as well. They’re looking for staff and I remembered that you were looking for a job, and, well, I mentioned you. I might have made up a thing or two about your work history but nothing nearly as bad as that resume you were trying to sell.”

At this Piper playfully slapped Alex’s hand. She was grateful for what Alex had done for her and was genuinely relieved that she would not have to use her faked resume.

“That was really sweet of you, thank you. It’s been surprisingly difficult to find a position. And this looks like a great place. I just hope I don’t screw it up completely, you know full well that I’ve never worked before.”

“Don’t worry about it too much. I assured them that you were a fast learner… with many hidden talents.” Alex’s grin made Piper blush instantly, the glow in her face making her all the more beautiful.

Their starters were placed in front of them and the two women quickly fell in to comfortable conversation, occasionally stealing bites from each other’s plates. It struck Alex again how natural things seemed between them. There were no pretences or attempts at impressing one another. The conversation went its usual course. They talked about their day, Piper had mentioned her conversation with Polly to which Alex replied that she, too, wanted to avoid allowing other people into their little world for just a bit longer. By the time their desserts were being cleared, the conversation had evolved into what Alex had hoped for from the beginning of the evening. Piper had started speaking about her family after she had spoken of Polly’s tendency to box things. She opened up about her relationship with her mother, how she always felt that she wasn’t good enough. It saddened Alex to hear that this beautiful woman could ever feel that she was lacking. This, in turn, allowed Alex to speak of her own relationship with her mother. She could see that her story had struck something in Piper.

“I can only imagine how hard it must have been, being just the two of you. But at the risk of sounding like a complete selfish ass, I’m a little jealous. It sounds like you have an amazing relationship. It really seems that you would do anything for each other.”

“I’d like you to meet her one day.” Alex didn’t even think before she said it. Her words took her by surprise just as they had Piper, who was sitting speechless.

“Wow. Sorry. I know we just finished saying that there would be no meeting of each other’s people for a while longer. I just, I don’t know, I think you’ll really get along well.” Alex was rambling. As much as it was her intention to nudge this relationship along she was scared of moving too fast, and now she had gotten way ahead of herself.

“Alex, I would love to meet her.” Piper’s voice was soft and sincere. She lay her hand over Alex’s on the table. “She sounds amazing, I’d be honoured.”

Piper’s words were quick to calm Alex. They sat in silence for a while before Alex invited Piper for a whiskey to end the evening at her apartment.

For the first time they didn’t fall into the apartment hurriedly undressing each other. They sat facing one another on the couch in Alex’s living room, sipping whisky and continuing their conversation. There was definitely something different about that night. They could both feel the change in them. As much as they were still in the honeymoon phase, rarely not touching and planting kisses whenever they could, the urgency of their actions seemed to have dissipated. When Piper had finished her whisky Alex took the glass from her and placed it on the table. Silently she took Piper by the hand and pulled her to her feet. She took the shorter woman’s face in her hands and placed a long, lingering kiss on her lips.

“Thank you for tonight.” She kissed Piper again.

_Is that a goodnight?_ Piper was slightly confused. She wasn’t ready for the night to end. Before she could voice her confusion, Alex starting leading her deeper into the apartment. When they entered the bedroom Alex flicked on the light and a soft glow filled the space. There was still silence between them, but neither of them needed to utter a word. Their messages were being clearly delivered by eyes and touches.

Alex was kissing Piper again, slowly, her hands moving freely over Piper’s body. She took hold of the zip at Piper’s back and pulled, taking her time in all her movements. Piper’s hands were by no means idle. She had started pulling at Alex’s clothes, but her movements mirrored Alex’s in pace. The greedy urgency with which they usually undressed each other was replaced by a slow exploration. The tension that was building between them was by no degree less than usual. As Alex pushed Piper’s dress to the floor she helped Piper remove the last of her own clothing. Their hands were instantly exploring again. Soft touches lingering lightly before continuing to roam. Alex moved them over to the bed. She couldn’t help but grin at the moan that escaped Piper’s lips as she lay her body on top of the other woman’s. The first full contact of skin on skin was always electrifying. Alex started moving against Piper, feeling the woman under her react eagerly. She moved her thigh to rest between Piper’s legs, placing a little bit more pressure against her with every roll of her hips. Piper’s hips in turn lifted slightly to make more contact with Alex. Her need was growing, and as much as she wanted this to last as long as possible, she needed to feel Alex inside her.

Their lips had rarely left each other’s since they entered the bedroom. While continuing to kiss, Piper caught hold of Alex’s wrist as her hand was moving over her body. She guided Alex’s hand down her body to where she needed her most.

“I want you to feel how wet you make me. How much I want you…” Her words caused Alex to moan deeply. Alex took control again and moved her hand to cover the last distance to Piper’s hot centre. She slid her hand between Piper’s legs, easily coating her fingers in Piper’s moisture. Alex was extremely aware of how much Piper wanted her and wasted no time in giving in to her need. She slid first one then two fingers inside Piper, pulling them out almost completely before entering her again with slow, measured thrusts. The movement of her hips mirrored that of her hands, the added pressure supplied by her thigh still between Piper’s legs causing the younger woman to arch off the bed. Piper wrapped her legs around Alex’s waist, allowing her to thrust her fingers deeper into her core. As Alex added a third finger Piper’s nails dug into her back. Alex was kissing her again, their bodies rocking together and a slow, sensual rhythm. As Piper’s tongue continued to explore Alex’s mouth, Alex curled her fingers just slightly in Piper’s cunt, making Piper tear her mouth away to let release her sounds of ecstasy. Alex continued to move inside her, increasing her speed only slightly as the palm of her hand made contact with Piper’s clit with every thrust. Piper was so close, she could feel the intense heat starting to build in the pit of her stomach. She moved her hands down to Alex’s ass and pulled her towards her, making Alex’s fingers go still deeper inside of her. It was all she wanted, to be filled by Alex. She could feel her muscles starting to tense, her breathing becoming shallower. She forced herself to open her eyes, and the second she made eye contact with Alex she could feel her entire body tense as her orgasm hit her. She continued to pull Alex into her as she rode out the intense wave of pleasure that was rushing through her. As her body started to relax she brought her hands into Alex’s hair, pulling her into a kiss once again.

Alex lay her body down onto Piper’s, keeping her hand between her legs. She loved the warmth that was emanating from Piper’s body. She placed small kisses on Piper’s skin, nuzzling her neck as both women regained control of their breathing. This felt complete. Alex knew that they had crossed a line that night, knew that the dynamic of their relationship had changed. She had been afraid to start this journey with Piper that could expose her vulnerabilities, something she had always been sure to protect. But lying here now with Piper all fears had disappeared. Lying in the warmth of their bodies with Piper’s hands tracing lazy patterns on her back, she felt safe.

They fell asleep still holding each other. They had finally spoken of their histories, but after that night, there was definitely a future to consider.


	7. Part II, Chapter 1

**PART II: WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN**

CHAPTER 1

Piper opened her eyes to the rare sight of Alex sleeping next to her. She didn't dare move. Although they still made love like they were in their honeymoon phase, it was rare to see Alex at rest. Her job was taking up more and more of her time, only occasionally allowing her the time to be calm with Piper. Of course the amount of work she put in brought with it many benefits. In the two years since Piper met her, Alex had worked her way gradually up the ladder in the cartel and the financial rewards were immense. Piper was constantly showered with gifts, swept off to exotic locations and treated to amazing meals and wine. However, as she lay there in this rare moment of peace she would have gladly given it all up for a chance at a normal relationship with her love. A chance at normal work hours with weekends off. To settle and really start a life together. Piper knew though that it would be years before Alex was ready for any of that, if ever.

Then again, Piper wasn't even sure that she herself wanted that. What twenty two year old didn't want the thrill of travelling and the teasing danger that was such a massive part of their lives? She had never become involved in Alex's work, but the rush that Alex experienced whilst doing her deals was intoxicating and contagious. Of course there was the added bonus of how incredibly sexy she found Alex when she could clearly see the adrenaline coursing through her. Every time after Alex had moved another giant shipment she would find new and incredibly interesting ways of ravishing Piper, needing to ride the rush until they were both spent. The very thought of this sent a usual burst of lust coursing through Piper. She slowly started moving towards Alex to wake her with her talented mouth when the all too familiar ring of Alex's phone cut through the silence.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" Piper untangled herself from the sheets before Alex had a chance to properly wake up and answer her phone. Alex knew full well that her work was placing severe strain on their relationship, but they had grown accustomed to a certain quality of life that she was not willing to part with. She was sure that she could make it up to Piper in many ways, but Piper's excitement at gifts and trips was waning. Alex opened her eyes to see Piper walking out of their bedroom seemingly furious. As much as Alex wanted to call out to her, she had to take care of the phone call first. She was not in business with patient people. She reached for her phone on the bedside table and discussed the new route with Fahri. He needed more heroin moved and she needed more mules. She was being placed under immense pressure to perform but she knew that it was a case of "get done or get gone." She wasn't going anywhere.

Alex finished her conversation and fell back onto the mattress, sighing deeply. The stress of the job was slowly getting to her. The last thing she needed now was added stress about her relationship. Piper had been extremely understanding up to now but she knew that her attention was becoming too divided. Piper had been making it quite clear in the last few weeks that she needed more of Alex, not more of her money or more gifts, but more of Alex's time and attention. She was just in no position to give her what she needed. Alex sighed again and tried to prepare herself for what she was going to say to Piper to calm her down. This was not how she planned for her day to start.

Alex forced herself out of bed and walked towards the kitchen. She stopped her movements the moment she laid eyes on Piper standing facing the kitchen window. Alex took in her beautiful profile, frowning when she saw her tear stained cheeks. Alex knew that these were not tears of hurt but tears of anger. She knew that Piper hated how little control she had over their relationship, how it ate at her that Alex constantly chose the job above her. How could she explain to Piper how little choice she actually had in the matter? She had never let Piper see how dangerous her world actually was, she had always protected her, kept her from knowing too much. Alex knew full well how dangerous information could be in this business and her only way of keeping Piper safe was to keep her in the dark.

As she stood there looking at Piper all her thoughts of trying to justify her actions were slowly disappearing. She had a whole speech prepared to console Piper, to tell her that things would get better, but she knew nothing she could say would change their reality.

"I'm sorry." The words escaped her lips in no more than a whisper. She wasn't sure that Piper had heard her. Piper continued to stare out the window, another tear slowly making its way down her cheek. Alex took a few more steps into the kitchen. She wanted desperately to hold Piper and hide her from everything that could hurt her, but she was painfully aware of the fact that she herself was the main source of Piper's pain.

Piper slowly turned to look at Alex. The anger that had threatened to erupt ebbed instantly at the sight of her. Piper was taken aback by how small her lover looked. The usually confident woman looked defeated. Her strong broad shoulders hanging, as if weighed down. Everything in Piper's mind was yelling at her to stay away, but she could not stop herself from walking towards Alex. Piper reached out to take Alex's hand in her own.

"I know you're going to say that I knew what I was getting into. I'm not going to argue with you on that. What I didn't expect is that I would constantly come second to your work. I know you're under a lot of pressure, and I know that you're stressed, but you can't hide me forever. I love you, Alex. I am supposed to be able to help you deal with the difficult parts of your life. I can't do that if you're not going to be honest with me.

I'm not being needy Alex, although I'm sure you sometimes feel that I am. I didn't spend the last two years with you because of all the perks, I'm not a fucking gold digger and I hate feeling like a god damn trophy wife sometimes. I'm here because I love you. I love you and I want  _you_ , not your lifestyle. If we are going to have any chance of a life together you have to let me in. Allow me to understand why I'm always being pushed into the background. I need to know that you're willing to work as hard at us as you do in your job. I can't hang around and wait for things to calm down because I know they won't."

Alex couldn't pretend that she was surprised by Piper's words. She knew that they were slowly heading towards a very steep cliff and it was entirely up to her to stop them.

"Is that an ultimatum Piper? Are you putting an expiry date on us?" She couldn't help herself being defensive, although she knew she had no right to be.

Piper refused to be pulled in to a fight. She clenched her jaw, swallowing down the anger that was rising inside her again. "No, Alex. I'm being honest with you. That's all I'm asking of you in return. I'm not holding a gun to your head; I'm simply asking you to start trying. I know you love me, and I know you're trying to protect me, but you have to allow me to make my own choices."

As Piper spoke she closed the distance between them and rested her head on Alex's shoulder. Alex inhaled her scent, her defences crumbling. She knew Piper was right, but she would never forgive herself if anything happened to this beautiful woman.

"I do love you Pipes. I promise I'll try, but please don't push. There's some shit that I just can't share with you and you'll just have to live with that. I can't promise that everything is going to change overnight so you have to be patient. I don't want to lose you, not by hiding you and not by pushing you away. Can you give me time? Please?"

Piper lifted her head to bring her lips to Alex's neck, kissing lightly, wordlessly agreeing to Alex's request. Alex pulled her closer, holding her tightly in her arms. Alex knew that it was entirely up to her to turn things around. But even as she was making promises to the woman she loved, she was doubting whether she would ever be able to keep them.

 


	8. Part II, Chapter 2

PART II: CHAPTER 2

"What is this place?!" Piper had to raise her voice to be heard over the din of the music. She had been to a few jazz bars but this one was unusually loud.

"I told you I had a meeting, and you wanted to be more involved, so here we are. You can't be surprised that we don't exactly use a conference room to conduct business." Piper could hear the smirk in Alex's voice. After their conversation in the kitchen the previous morning Piper hadn't expected to be included so swiftly. She looked up at Alex, trying to gauge if she was just teasing her or whether this was the real deal. Alex's eyes didn't betray any information.

"Seriously? I really didn't picture a jazz bar. I thought it would be more of a club scene?"

"Sure, because meeting with a few Persian men in a VIP area of a club would not be at all suspicious. We do actually try not to get caught." Piper tried her best to seem annoyed at Alex's sarcasm. As she looked around her she realised that this place truly was the ideal meeting place. There was an extremely eclectic mix of people, all ages, no one blending in yet no one seeming out of place.

"Besides," Alex added, "it's got good music and great bourbon." Alex pulled Piper closer to her. "Listen to me Pipes, this isn't going to take long. I just have one or two introductions to make and I need a little time to sort out details with Fahri. You're more than welcome to join us or you can wait for me by the bar. You wanted to make your own choices so just let me know what you want to do." Alex clearly felt a bit nervous with Piper next to her. Piper was fully aware that this was difficult for her. She also recalled from their conversation that she had promised Alex time.

"Maybe I can just greet Fahri, since I know him from your housewarming and then I'll leave you to it. No rush to throw me in at the deep end I suppose?" Alex relaxed a bit at this. She didn't know all the people they would be meeting with and felt much safer having Piper at a distance. She started moving them towards one of the leather covered booths to the back of the lounge when Piper pulled her back slightly by her arm.

"Alex?" Alex turned to look at her lover. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the expression on Piper's face. It was the perfect mixture of gentle love and fierce lust. Alex was quiet, waiting for Piper to speak, afraid of breaking the intensity of their gaze.

"Thank you." It was all Piper needed to say. Two simple words that spoke of so much more. Alex slowly leant in and kissed Piper gently on her lips, lingering for mere seconds but with a lasting effect that would keep Piper wanting more. Piper gently pushed against Alex and they started moving towards the booth again where Fahri was waiting. He was a perfect gentleman in greeting Piper, kissing her hand but keeping a very respectful distance. She was introduced to the other members of the party before she excused herself to go to the bar where she would wait for Alex. She honestly could not remember a single name mentioned to her, her attention still drawn to the lingering warmth of Alex's lips on hers. It never ceased to amaze her, the effect this woman had on her. With the simplest touch Alex could ignite a need in her that was unparalleled. After two years of being touched, made love to and fucked in the most imaginative ways it still only took a single fleeting connection with Alex to spark deliciously lascivious thoughts.

Piper found a seat at the bar that had a clear view of the group that Alex had joined. She watched their interaction with great interest. Any observer would have thought the group were old friends, they seemed relaxed in each other's company, clinking their glasses together occasionally as if toasting happy memories. Piper was fascinated by how smooth it all seemed. She studied Alex's practiced moves, how she leaned in to her companions just enough to peak their interest. Piper was not at all surprised that Alex had made her way up the proverbial corporate ladder so quickly. Her powerful combination of astonishing beauty and vastly superior strategic skills made her impossible to resist.

Piper ordered a Hudson Baby Bourbon Whiskey with a splash of water, fondly remembering the night Alex had passionately explained to her how the water released the aroma and flavour of the thick golden liquid. She had held her own glass to Piper's lips and let a small stream enter her mouth to rest on her tongue. Alex told her to keep the liquid in her mouth, to test the weight of it, to feel the smooth sting of the alcohol. The moment Piper had swallowed her mouth was filled with Alex's own tongue, licking away any lasting traces of the drink.

Piper was pulled from her reverie by a warm hand on her shoulder. She jumped slightly, not having heard anyone approach over the music. She turned her head to look straight at the mouth she was just contemplating. Her tongue involuntarily moved to moisten her lips as a slow grin spread over Alex's face.

"Enjoying yourself?" Alex's voice was deep but playful. She had been watching Piper get lost in her thoughts for a while, guessing what she was remembering by how intensely she had stared at the glass in front of her. Alex leaned closer to Piper and reached across her to pick up the glass, purposefully pressing her soft breasts into Piper's side. Alex could feel Piper's body tense immediately, giving her even more incentive to tease her.

"Let's see here," she said as she moved the drink to her nose before taking a sip. Piper watched Alex play with the liquid in her mouth, imagining exactly what Alex's tongue was doing to extract every single flavour it had to offer.

"Hmmm… Honey, beautifully sweet and full, a fragrant vanilla that just rests on your tongue, perfectly rounded by a rich oak finish." Alex spoke slowly, hypnotising Piper with her voice. Piper was still fixated on Alex's mouth, studying her lips as she formed every word. Alex leaned in further to Piper, bringing her mouth closer to whisper into her ear.

"Warm, thick liquid, the faintest hint of almonds, perfectly coating the tongue whilst filling the nose with a gentle bouquet. Full bodied, with a growing complexity as it enters the mouth, a velvety texture that warms as it is drunk in, leaving one always craving more…" Alex's voice trailed off as she drew slow patterns on Piper's back with the tips of her fingers.

"Sounds like a good bourbon," Piper whispered.

"I wasn't talking about the bourbon, I was talking about you." The sharp intake of Piper's breath was audible above the music.

It had been a while since Alex had seen her this worked up. Actually, it had been a while since they had flirted with each other this way. Maybe allowing Piper into her world more fully wasn't such a bad thing after all. For the first time in ages they looked at each other like they had in the beginning, the intensity of their passion for each other almost tangible. There was no need for words. Alex took Piper by the hand and they walked to the exit, easily making their way through the crowded room. They got into the first available taxi and made their way to Alex's apartment. She recalled the first night they drove like this, not saying a word, both nervous and exited. She turned to look at Piper, catching her gaze and holding it as long as she could. This woman before her had captivated her completely. Had rendered her reinforced walls useless. She had fallen fast, hard, completely in love with her. Piper had taken up residence in Alex's soul and she could not ever imagine being without her. The mere thought frightened her to her core.

As she looked at Piper now she was overwhelmed by the same emotions. Was it possible to fall in love again? Or was this yet another step deeper into the seemingly endless world that was Piper Chapman?

The taxi came to a stop in front of their building, Alex paid and they walked through the door to the elevator. In the months of their young love they would have ravished each other there already, but the time they have had together had earned them a new understanding of what it was to enjoy each other's bodies. Where once their actions were rushed and desperate they had now learned to savour each other.

Alex stepped closer to Piper and brought her lips down to her neck. She kissed her as she inhaled the warm smell of her lover, knowing that every movement of her mouth would make Piper's need grow just so much more. The elevator came to a stop on their floor and they walked to their door tangled in each other, kissing whenever they could, slowly touching.

Piper opened their door and pushed Alex through, causing her to stand with her back against the wall. There was an urgency in Piper's eyes that excited Alex. She loved it when Piper took control.

"I want to taste you." Piper's face was close to her ear, the words sending a delicious shiver down Alex's body.

Piper pressed her entire body against Alex, their mouths finding each other and their kisses deepening. Piper was fighting for dominance and Alex was close to giving in to her. Her last resolve was shattered when Piper tore at her shirt, scattering the buttons across the wooden floor. A slow moan escaped Alex's lips, urging Piper to continue on the path her hands were following down Alex's body.

Alex arched her back, begging for more contact. She was usually the sexually dominant one but at the moment she was putty in Piper's hands.

Piper's mouth was making its way down Alex's stomach, leaving hot, wet kisses in its wake. She kneeled down in front of Alex in an almost worshipful pose, her hands raised covering Alex's breasts, teasing her nipples, her mouth working its way to her lower abdomen. Piper slid her hands down to unfasten Alex's jeans, expertly loosening the button and slipping the coarse material over the silky skin it was covering. Piper kissed every inch of newly exposed flesh, digging her teeth into Alex's thighs extracting another deep moan from the depths of her throat. Piper was quick to rid Alex of her underwear, drawing in deeply the warm scent of her exposed sex.

Alex had her hand in Piper's hair, urging her to bring her mouth to where she was aching for her. Piper lifted one of Alex's legs to rest on her shoulder, slightly opening the glistening folds in front of her. She looked up at Alex's face one last time before plunging her tongue between her swollen lips, slowly lapping at the moisture that had pooled between Alex's thighs.

Alex's hips started moving with Piper's tongue, her rhythm silently begging for more. Piper brought her hand up to Alex's opening and slowly, torturously entered her with three fingers. Alex thrust her hips forward, needing Piper to fill her. Their rhythm was slowing, each woman enjoying the sensation the other caused in them. Piper moved her fingers deep inside of Alex, her tongue on Alex's clit increasing its pressure. Alex's body was starting to tense, she could feel the growing heat in the pit of her belly wanting to explode.

She lost all sense of time and space, her whole world focussed on the feelings that Piper was eliciting from her. With one powerful thrust Piper pushed her over the edge, all control slipping from her as she came, shuddering into Piper's mouth.

Piper lapped at her cunt eagerly, drinking in every last drop of her lover's orgasm.

Alex collapsed into Piper's arms, forcing them down onto the floor. Alex slowly regained control of her breathing as Piper held her.

"For a moment I couldn't tell where I ended and you began. You fill me so completely, and not just physically. Pipes, I love you. I want you to be a part of everything I am, the good and the bad. I don't want to lose you."

Alex was surprised at her own words, as was Piper. Alex was not one to make emotional declarations after they had made love, but they both knew that this was possibly yet another new beginning for them.


	9. Part II, Chapter 3

PART II: CHAPTER 3

Piper found the thrill of Alex's world exhilarating. After her initial introduction that night at the jazz bar, Piper let herself be drawn in further and further. There were no more secretive phone calls, there was no more hiding. Alex was sharing herself wholly with Piper, letting her explore as freely as she wanted.

Piper felt like Alice, going deeper down the rabbit hole, discovering a world that was right behind the looking glass the entire time. She was fascinated by the intricacies of the business. The hierarchy structure, the controlled business transactions, the way that things were run as if it was just like any other commercial enterprise. Although she was never directly involved in any of the deals that Alex was making, she was always allowed to listen to the discussions. Alex had been true to her word. There was no more hiding, no more secrecy, and now that Alex was a Lieutenant in the cartel their lifestyle had become even more lavish. They would be going abroad again soon, Europe this time. There was a lot of planning still to be done, Piper knew Alex would be under pressure and she was trying to make it as easy for her love as possible.

Piper was walking up the last flight of stairs up to their New York apartment, the paper bags in her arms were getting heavy and she was starting to regret not taking the elevator. She had gone out earlier in the day to select produce and wine for the dinner she wanted to cook for Alex that evening. She could see her partner becoming more stressed with every passing day as the deadline for the Europe trip approached. She was under a lot of pressure from Fahri to make a success of this deal, which would open yet another route for the cartel directly from Paris, allowing them to bypass one or two middle men in the process.

Piper knew she couldn't do anything but support Alex, and since taking time off wasn't exactly an option, a home cooked meal and good wine was the best she could offer at the moment. Piper opened the door to see Alex on the phone, a sight that would have had her seething a couple of months ago. Alex was dressed in loose trousers and a t-shirt, her hair wet against her back. Piper frowned slightly at the sight of this, remembering their long shower together that morning she was surprised that Alex would wash her hair again in the middle of the day. When Alex turned to face Piper her eyes grew large, and before she could hang up on her conversation to speak there was movement from the bathroom that drew Piper's attention.

Stepping out in just a towel was a young blonde, her short hair wet and the water still cascading in little streams down her skin. The sudden shattering of glass coming from the foyer made the young woman stop in her tracks. Piper had dropped her grocery bags, shock completely taking over her body. She couldn't move, her eyes darted between Alex and the other woman, possibilities spinning through her head that would explain what she was seeing. Of course her mind immediately went to the worst option; Alex had been having an affair this entire time, using work as the perfect excuse for the hours upon hours that she was away from home.

But this woman was in their apartment, in their  _home._ How could Alex be so cruel and so utterly disrespectful to everything they had built together, to all the memories they had made in this space?

Piper was aware of Alex moving towards her, and as much as she wanted to turn and run, she couldn't bring herself to move. Her body grew stiff as she felt Alex's hands on her shoulders, desperately wanting to ignore the warmth that spread through her at the touch. She didn't want to feel anything for Alex. She wanted to be angry, she wanted to explode. Alex was blocking her view of the other woman and was stepping in closer to Piper.

Piper was slowly becoming aware that Alex was talking, although her words were just noise. Piper was jolted from her shocked daze when Alex lightly shook her by her shoulders. She made eye contact with the taller woman for the first time. Without thought Piper brought her hand up to Alex's face, hard. The sting of pain that shot through her palm brought with it immediate regret, but she couldn't help herself.

Alex stepped back slightly, thrown off balance by the blow. As Piper raised her hand again Alex caught hold of her wrist, shaking her lover back to reality once again.

"Pipes! You have to listen to me! This isn't what you think!"

"This isn't what I think?! Seriously? You couldn't come up with a more original line? What is it then Alex? Please explain why there's a practically naked woman in our home in the middle of the day? You obviously just finished your shower together! Were you washing away her smell from your skin so I wouldn't notice?"

"Jesus Piper! Can you calm the fuck down? I will  _not_  be attacked for something that never happened. And fuck you for immediately suspecting the worst from me. Did you ever stop to think that there's a completely rational explanation for what's going on here?"

Piper was taken aback. Alex was right, she had instantly gone to the darkest possibility. Never mind the fact that Alex would never be stupid enough to bring a mistress into their apartment, the mere thought of Alex actually having an affair was in truth quite ridiculous. Piper had to question why her mind chose the path it did? Was she still that insecure? After two and a half years of Alex showing her nothing but love and respect, why would she suspect Alex of suddenly doing otherwise?

She raised her eyes to meet Alex's. Alex was the only person Piper had ever met that could look completely pissed off and loving at the same time.

"I'm sorry," Piper whispered, embarrassed by her actions. She shrank back slightly as she saw the red of Alex's cheek where her hand had collided with her face.

"I know I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, but you can't deny that this looks fucking suspicious."

Alex actually started to laugh at Piper.

"Pipes, we're in the drug trade. When are things not slightly suspicious? Now if you promise to keep the fuck calm, maybe I can introduce you to Sarah?"

Alex felt Piper's body relax under her hands. When she was sure that Piper had sufficiently calmed down Alex stepped aside and turned to look at Sarah. The poor girl was still rooted to the spot, the water that had dripped from her body forming a small pool by her feet. Sarah raised a shy hand and waved lightly at Piper before rushing into the spare room, hoping to get dressed before any more drama ensued.

Piper felt herself being lead to the couch, carefully guided through shards of the broken wine bottle that was scattered on the floor.

"Are you ready to listen now?" Alex spoke to her calmly. Sometimes Piper didn't know how this woman could have so much patience with her. Piper merely nodded her head in response, still embarrassed.

"Sarah is a mule. I was supposed to meet her earlier today with her friend to finalise the plans for their trip to Brussels. Sarah was going to transport the money and Helena, her friend, would bring back some produce.

Sarah called me, completely freaked out, and said she thought Helena had taken one too many shots between her toes and was looking pretty fucking bad. I went over and when I got there… Well, you don't need to know the details. Suffice it to say that Helena is out of the picture, I can't trust a fucking junkie with our produce, and Sarah and I had to get cleaned up after the fucked up mess we had to deal with. Separately. That's all Pipes. So except for the fact that I am now royally screwed where Brussels is concerned, there is nothing to worry about. Okay?"

All Piper could do was stare at her hands in her lap. What the fuck had she been thinking? She had attacked the love of her life on the slightest whim that things weren't going her way. Was she really that self-involved? Evidently she was, even though she didn't like admitting it. She looked at the mess of groceries on the floor, her face flushing with embarrassment once again.

"I wanted to surprise you with dinner. Guess I fucked that one up, didn't I?"

Her eyes met Alex's. Neither of them could help but laugh. The tension had completely dissolved and Piper leaned into Alex. As they were sitting there Sarah approached, shyly, and offered her goodbyes before quickly escaping another awkward situation. As the door closed behind her, Piper looked up at Alex.

"I'm still cooking you dinner. I really want to make up for fucking up so masterfully just now. I'm really sorry Alex. Sometimes I think I just live too much in my own head to even give rational thought a chance. I can't justify thinking what I did. You've been nothing but incredible and you didn't deserve any of that."

"It's okay Pipes," Alex said as she kissed her lover's cheek. "I'm sure you'll make it up to me. It might take a little more than dinner though."

Piper looked at Alex again, a naughty grin spreading over her face.

"What did you have in mind, Miss Vause?" Piper lifted herself onto Alex's lap, wrapping her arms around her lover's neck.

"Get your mind out of the gutter! I swear sometimes you have such a one track mind. Babe, I wasn't kidding when I said I'm screwed where Brussels is concerned. Sarah was one of a few that I could trust with carrying cash, but after today and the fucked up situation with Helena, she wants out. Everyone else is already out running routes. Either I need to find a trustworthy mule in the next week, or…" Alex wasn't quite sure she could finish her sentence. It had been hard enough for her to be more open with Piper and let her into the daily dealing of her business, but asking her girlfriend to take actual risks for her was a whole different story.

Piper pushed herself off Alex's lap.

"I know what you want to ask Alex. As much as I'd like to give you an out immediately, you're going to have to give me time to think about it."

Without waiting for a reply, Piper turned around and moved to where the groceries were still lying on the floor. She gathered them quietly, her mind going a hundred miles an hour, rushing with all the possible outcomes of what Alex was asking of her. She knew that Alex wouldn't put her in immediate danger, and as always there was a part of her that was drawn to the very danger she was supposed to be afraid of. Piper had always been filled with contradictions.

After cleaning up in the foyer Piper went on to start preparing the meal she had promised Alex. As she rhythmically sliced through the vegetables her mind finally settled on an answer to Alex's question. This was her chance to finally offer Alex more. More than just cooking a meal to help her relax, more than calming words. She had asked to be let into Alex's world and she was being offered a chance to really become a part of it. Even though she knew a lot more about the business than she ever thought she would, she had never truly experienced what Alex went through. She was still just an observer, looking in and feeding off of what she saw the others experience. The rush when another drop was made successfully, another border crossed without incident.

Piper heard movement behind her and saw Alex take a beer from the fridge. Piper turned back to her preparation, suddenly nervous.

"I'll do it."

Her words hung in the air, absolute silence surrounding her. She could feel Alex move closer to her, even soundlessly. She felt Alex behind her, not touching, but her presence as powerful as ever.

"Are you sure? I know you wanted to be more involved Pipes, but this is going to be a whole new level for you, and I can't be there to hold your hand."

This had never occurred to Piper. She would have to do this on her own. Still, it was too late for her to change her mind. She knew she didn't have to prove anything to Alex, but she wanted to show her that she had come far from the shy college grad Alex had met more than two years ago.

"I'm sure. I'll do it. Besides, you never know what you're capable of unless you step out of your comfort zone. I need to do this as much for me as for you. I'm sure."

"You know I'll never put you in any direct danger," Alex's voice was close to Piper's ear. She could feel her moving closer to her. Alex brought her arms around Piper's waist, pulling her against her body.

"I'll be there, waiting for you. And I'll walk you through every possible outcome. I'll tell you exactly what to do." As she was speaking Alex's hands were moving over Piper's body, making it extremely hard to focus on the movement of the knife in her hands.

"And what makes you think that I'll just blindly follow orders?"

"Well, we'll just have to practice, won't we? Put down the knife." Alex's voice had a strict tone to it, causing Piper to immediately put down the implement in her hands. Alex's hand were roaming further down her body, one hand resting on her hip and the other kneading her upper thigh.

"Now, undo the button of your pants."

Piper found her hands automatically move to do as instructed. How the hell did this woman have such power over her?

"Push your pants down your hips." Alex was kissing Piper's neck. Her left hand had moved up from her lover's hip and was now slowly caressing her breasts. Alex was revelling in the reactions she was drawing from Piper.

"Now take my hand, and put it where you want me to be."

Piper elicited a low moan. In control and being controlled. This was a whole new game for her. She took Alex's right hand in her own and moved it to cover her mound. She slowly directed the tips of her lover's fingers to slide through the moisture between her swollen lips, bringing them up to circle her clit, gently at first. Piper loved the sounds emanating from Alex as she felt how wet she was for her, even after all this time, she never seemed to grow used to it.

Alex allowed Piper to control her movements. She stayed exactly where Piper wanted her, drawing slow circles around her clit while pressing her body into Pipers back. Piper in turn pressed her ass hard against Alex, creating a slow thrusting rhythm between them.

Piper's free hand came up to tangle in Alex's hair, bringing her head down to kiss her. Soon they were moaning into each other's mouths, Piper increasing the speed of her fingers, guiding Alex to push her over the edge.

Alex could feel Piper getting closer. Her movements becoming more frantic. She pulled her lips away from Piper's and brought them to whisper in her ear.

"Now, cum for me."

And Piper did. Hard. Her head thrown back against Alex's shoulder. Her hand still covering Alex's, riding out the last of her orgasm. She fell back against Alex's body, knowing that Alex would be there to catch her.

"See? Everything will be fine if you do exactly as I say."

 


	10. Part II, Chapter 4

PART II: CHAPTER 4

Piper was terrified. She nervously touched the back of her neck, hoping that her tattoo was still covered. She had done everything exactly as Alex as said but she was still alone in a foreign country, not speaking the language, and with no bag. How the fuck did this happen? What would happen if she was caught?

The attendant had explained to her that not all the bags make it onto the correct flights sometimes, but what were the odds that after their years of travel,  _this_  would be the one time there was a luggage mix up. The irony was not lost on her.

She was pulled out of her terror filled thoughts when the luggage carrousel started moving behind her. Other passengers slowly filed in beside her as the bags started appearing. Piper didn't have to wait long before seeing the source of her immensely stressful morning. As desperately as she tried to understand, she couldn't fathom how Alex had been doing this for so long. Even though she didn't physically make the drops herself, this type of anxiety was not what Piper had in mind when she witnessed the rush that Alex experienced in her business.

Piper, unable to hide her relief and excitement, shrieked as she placed her hand around the handle of the evasive suitcase. Her body relaxed for mere seconds before she realised that she was now in actual possession of the item, but she was still alone. She had to find Alex, hoping that her girlfriend would not have given up waiting for her.

Piper headed to the nearest exit, not stopping until she was out in the open hall of the airport. "Welkom in Brussels". Sure.

As she entered the hall she saw her. Her black hair hanging over her shoulders, her perfectly fitted outfit caressing every curve. Alex still took her breath away. Her heart raced as she approached her. As she placed her hand on Alex's shoulders, all she could utter was "Bonjour".

As Alex embraced her Piper felt herself relax for the first time in more than 12 hours. She felt a hint of pride at Alex's reaction to her skipping customs, but there was still a lingering nervousness within her.

"I am going to eat you for dinner."

Alex's words. Yet they didn't have the effect on Piper that they usually would. There was still fear clinging to her.

"Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed."

"Well it's a good thing you didn't. There's over fifty grand in that bag. Kubra would have had you killed."

So matter of fact. Piper's heart plummeted in her chest, she could feel a crack forming and was overwhelmed by the sudden realisation that Alex could, with minimal effort, break it completely. It slowly dawned on Piper what she had done, just what she was now involved with. Silently she promised herself that she would never put herself in such a position again. She wasn't as brave as Alex, and she wasn't as naïve as the mules, but for now she just wanted to pretend that everything was fine, both for Alex's sake and her own.

When arriving at the hotel, Piper immediately rid herself of her wig and travelling clothes and headed for the shower while Alex was making phone calls to arrange the exchange. She wanted to stop thinking about the recent events, wanted to forget Alex's words.

She stepped under the stream of hot water and desperately started scrubbing away the last day.

Was she over reacting? Was this just first timer paranoia? No, Piper knew that this wasn't who she was, but what she also knew is that she was desperately in love with Alex and would do anything for her, she just never realised how dangerous that was.

She could feel Alex's presence before she saw her through the thick steam filling the bathroom. She turned off the taps and stepped into the waiting towel that she was holding up for her. As Alex folded the towel around her she couldn't help herself inhaling her intoxicating scent, her dark thoughts ebbing instantly.

"Everything's done. You were incredible."

Before Piper could utter a word Alex's mouth covered hers, her tongue demanding entry. The last of Piper's fear and resolve slipped away along with the towel that had covered her body. Alex's hand burned trails over her skin before she was lifted against her body. Piper easily wrapped her legs around Alex's waist as she was carried to the bed.

She couldn't help herself slowly grinding her hips against Alex's stomach, hungering for contact. Alex looked at Piper as she lay her down on the bed, and that's when Piper finally felt it. It was like the rush that Alex was experiencing formed a link between them and coursed through Piper's body with an unfamiliar heat. Her heart started pounding even before Alex touched her. It was as if all the stress, the fear and the nerves culminated into a pool of desire, and all she wanted was Alex.

She held Alex's face in her hands and brought it closer to her own. In a voice that sounded completely foreign to her she uttered the only words either of them wanted to hear.  
"Fuck me."

Not a request. A demand, an order, and Alex gladly obliged.

Piper desperately pulled at Alex's clothing, needing to feel her skin. She needed the contact, the intimacy. She needed to feel a connection with the woman that felt so far removed from her an hour ago. When she finally pulled Alex's naked body on top of her own she couldn't stop herself from clinging to Alex, barely leaving room for Alex's hand to travel down her abdomen towards her wet sex.

When Alex entered her there was no pretence of soft lovemaking. It was hard, desperate. Piper thrust her pussy against Alex's hand, needing her deeper inside of her, revelling in how perfectly her long fingers slid in and out of her cunt. Piper bit down on Alex's shoulder, causing her to inhale sharply.

Alex had never experienced Piper like this. They had made love and fucked in many different ways but this was a different, almost primitive side of Piper that she had never seen. It was as if all possible pretences and masks had been stripped from both of them and all they had was the naked need for one another.

Piper pulled her mouth from Alex's skin.

"I need you. Harder. I want to feel you for days. Fuck me like you want to become a part of me."

Alex closed her eyes at Piper's words and stopped her ministrations. She crushed her mouth against Piper's before pulling away. Kneeling between Piper's legs she pulled her body to rest on her thighs, letting Piper's legs wrap around her waist. Alex positioned three fingers at Piper's entrance, plunging into her with force as she thrust her hips hard against her lover's body. Piper met each thrust, her breath escaping in ragged gasps. Their bodies moved perfectly together, harder and faster, until Piper's backed arched off the bed and the walls of her pussy clamped down on Alex's fingers. Alex collapsed onto her, trying to catch her breath.

Piper held Alex's hand in place with her own, not wanting to lose the intimate contact just yet.

They lay in silence, simply feeling each other, the air still thick with sex and unspoken words, until they both drifted into dreamless sleep.

Their stay in Brussels was short. Piper was used to moving on to new locations rather quickly, but Alex was becoming more immersed in her work than ever before. Even though Piper was now completely a part of it Alex rarely had time for her.

They were in Paris, a city that Piper had always wanted to visit, even though it had been completely commercialised. She wanted to experience the clichéd Paris she saw in movies. She wanted the romance and the happy ending. Instead she found herself alone, wandering the city.

Giving in to being a tourist she ended her morning in the Louvre, something she had desperately wanted to share with Alex. She made her way silently through the gallery, spending time gazing at the classic masterpieces, avoiding the throngs of tourists gaping at the Mona Lisa.

Piper's mind was far from the beautiful art she was looking at. She was aware of seeing some of the most celebrated pieces of art in history but they all just skimmed the surface of her awareness. She aimlessly turned another corner, and the sudden sight before her shattered her dreamlike state.

The light cast perfect shadows on the marble statue. Piper instantly recognised it as Canova's  _Psyche Revived by Cupid's Kiss_. She had to stop herself from wanting to run her hands over the beautifully carved stone. Such perfection with such sadness hidden just beneath the surface.

Was this a metaphor for her relationship with Alex? Would they be able to pass as many trials and tests to fight for their love? She wanted the happy ending, but was she, like Psyche, willing to travel to the underworld to fight for it?

Piper left the museum, shaken by the thoughts coursing through her. She found herself walking into a bar, not sure whether alcohol was the best idea but knowing that she needed to order her thoughts before she had a long overdue conversation with Alex. She couldn't face her lover without knowing exactly what she wanted to say because she knew that Alex always had a way of reassuring her that everything would be perfect soon if only she had patience.

Several hours and several glasses of wine later Piper finally had the courage to return to their hotel. She steeled herself before opening the door.

Alex was seated by the desk, typing away at her computer, barely noticing Piper's entrance. She jumped slightly as Piper cleared her throat, announcing her presence. As Alex turned and Piper's eyes made contact with hers she almost lost her resolve, but she knew this had to happen.

"We need to talk." The famous words that immediately instils fear in everyone who hears them.

"Pipes, I'd love to, but I'm really busy." Alex's tone was apologetic, but Piper had heard those words one too many times.

Maybe the wine was giving her extra courage, but she walked over to Alex's computer and shut it forcefully.

"No, Alex. Now. I'm not going to let you avoid this any longer. You know this has been coming a long time and it's now or never. So decide."

"Okay," Alex said warily, leaning back in her chair as she looked up at Piper. She could see the resolve on Piper's face, clearly there was no arguing with her or even consoling her. Alex knew the last few weeks was tough for Piper, but she had desperately hoped that things would get better without a confrontation.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore Alex."

Alex could feel her entire body turn to ice. She had expected to hear that Piper was upset, but she did not expect her to be ready to leave. Had she been so lost in her work that she was completely oblivious to what was going on in her relationship?

She was, uncharacteristically, at a loss for words, but her expression clearly showed Piper that those few words had hit home. Before she lost her nerve and gave in to Alex's broken expression, Piper knew she had to continue.

"Please just listen to me Alex. Remember the airport in Brussels, when you told me that Kubra would have had me killed if I had bailed? Did you even hear what you were saying? You're supposed to love me and then you so easily tell me that your boss would have had my head! How could you tell me one day that you would never put me in danger and then say something like that?

I trusted you Alex, but after what you said that day I can't anymore. I've tried to forget about it, I've given it time hoping that moment would just disappear from my memory but it won't. I can't stop thinking about what would have happened. What would you have done if things went wrong?

You can't always protect me, of course you can't. But you knew far better than I did what kind of danger I was putting myself in and you still let me do it.

I know, before you say anything, I know that I volunteered. I knew what you do for a living, I knew what I was getting myself into, so please understand that I'm not placing all the blame on you."

Piper sank down to her knees, the pressure of everything she had to get off her chest becoming too much for her to bear.

Looking up at Alex, placing her hands on her lap, she knew she had to push through and finish what she started. Alex was looking down at her, tears lining her cheeks. She didn't attempt to say anything before she was sure Piper was finished. She took hold of Piper's hands in her lap, desperately holding on to the beautiful woman she could see slipping away from her.

"I realised today that what I'm most afraid of is not you, it's not what you do. It's the fact that I know I will do anything for you and that scares me. I know that if I stay with you I will allow myself to do another Brussels trip, if not something worse, and I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm asking you now Alex, never do that to me again. Never ask me to be a mule, to move anything for you. I can't be that person. I love you and I want to support you but I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you and I'm scared that you're going to lose the girl you fell in love with. I thought I had the resolve to stay true to my values and what I thought was right and wrong, but when I'm with you everything becomes grey and the black and white disappears.

I don't want to leave you, but if we can't fix this I have to."

"Pipes," Alex's voice was breaking.

"I'm sorry. I didn't allow myself to see things from your perspective. I felt like I was drowning and you were my only chance at surviving. I feel like that a lot. Even outside of work. I feel like you are the thing keeping me going. I only ever wanted to make you happy.

I am sorry. I'm sorry for bringing you into this. For putting you in danger. If I am allowed to ask anything of you, it's to please give me a chance to fix this. I love you. I don't want to lose you, I can't lose you."

Piper silenced Alex with a gentle kiss. She hated to see this powerful woman look so vulnerable. She knew that she would forgive Alex. She knew that she would stay, because she believed that Alex would rebuild her trust. She didn't need Alex to change, she needed Alex to stop her from changing.

She knew that things would be great between them for a while.

If only she knew how short that while would be.

It was a few weeks after their conversation. Piper was trying to enjoy the European summer but she was bored. Alex was constantly working and she was left to entertain herself the whole time. Piper was fully aware that she was thinking like a bit of a brat, complaining about being bored in Europe when anyone would jump at the chance just to set foot there, but she wanted to share things with Alex, but she found herself taking second place again.

She approached Alex who was once again working on her computer.

"Alex, I miss you"

Alex's response was short and as usual started with the words "I don't have time."

The conversation took the now too familiar turns. Alex being stressed, Piper complaining about the lack of time they had together. It was as if it had turned into a mantra for them. As always, Alex tried to make it up to Piper, promising her a night out, wherever she wanted. As always, Piper's hope flickered back to life, the hope that  _this_  time things would be different.

"Hey. Would you be up for a trip to Istanbul this weekend?"

"Yes! Of course!" Finally. Something normal. But it wasn't. Alex was asking her to carry something again. Like their conversation had never happened.

Piper knew that this was one of those moments. One that she would be able to go back to and pinpoint exactly when things had changed. Except that this time it wasn't just change, it was an ending.

As she felt her heart break Piper knew that it was over. For the first time she was sure that there was nothing that Alex could say, nothing that she could do that would fix this. She had broken her trust, along with her heart, and Piper's only choice was to save the little bit of herself she had left.


	11. Part III, Chapter 1

**PART III: NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE**

CHAPTER 1

Alex held the lighter under the metal spoon, swirling it just enough to let the water mix with the powder. She watched as the mixture started to form tiny bubbles and removed the heat. She didn't want to overcook and lose any quality. She took the syringe and extracted the liquid from the spoon, tapping out any air bubbles that might have intruded. Leaning down she placed the tip of the needle between her toes and applied pressure, piercing the skin and injecting the mixture into her veins.

It didn't take long for the warmth to spread through her. She knew that everyone experienced heroin differently. Some did it to dull pain, some to forget, some did it just to make their daily circumstances bearable. No one did this because they were happy.

Her mind calmed. The constant memories of loss and feeling of abandonment trickled away. Her high wasn't recreational, it was medicinal. It was her coping mechanism. She had always been in control, but after the loss of her mother, after the loss of Piper, her world had crumbled around her. She was still doing her job, still functioning fully in her highly demanding duties, but when she was alone there was no reason to keep up the pretences of everything being okay. She was broken and she knew that this could make her feel whole again, feel safe and warm, even just for a while.

Alex moved to her bedroom and lay down as the drug took control of her mind and body. She closed her eyes, a faint smile growing on her lips as happier memories took over. Her thoughts always went back to Piper, the way she could draw all of Alex's focus when stepping into a room. The way the felt together, how easy things felt with her. It was great to remember the better days of their relationship, an escape from Alex's reality where all she thought about was their demise. Piper had warned her, had given her more than one opportunity to save them, but she had been so confident that Piper wouldn't leave that she kept on pushing the boundaries. She would never forgive herself, just as she felt she could never forgive Piper for leaving when she did. Alex still had moments of "what if". What if she had said or done one thing differently. She drifted off to sleep, her reality and dreams seamlessly flowing together.

When Alex awoke it was already morning. Fumbling to find her glasses she dragged herself from her bed and into the bathroom, the light hurting her eyes slightly. As with most days, the first thought that came to her was of Piper.  _What if_. What if there was even the slightest chance, after six years, she could fix things. What were the odds of her being able to win Piper back, wherever she was, whatever she was doing?

Alex had to push thoughts of Piper to the back of her mind. She had a meeting with Fahri that afternoon and had to finalise which mules would be used to make the drops in Paris. The deals she had made in France years ago were still going strong and had become one of the most lucrative routes in the cartel. Alex had an inkling that Fahri knew she was using, but he was turning a blind eye for one of their biggest earners.

She got dressed in her regular street clothes; black jeans, boots and a comfortable shirt. Her hair was long, hanging over her shoulders, gone were the blue streaks that reminded her of her past. Alex grabbed a jacket as she exited her apartment. She had only been back in New York for a couple of months, always being kept busy abroad with work. Sure, being so in demand was a good thing, but she missed this city. It held a big part of her, a lot of her history. It was still home.

The meeting with Fahri went smoothly and quickly, their business relationship having reached a level that rarely needed them to communicate. He had absolute trust in her and she had little else in her life other than work, always willing to go the extra mile. Alex had to admit that she had taken certain risks over the past few years that she wouldn't have before Paris, but whether it was because she had nothing left to lose or because she needed so much more to make her feel anything was never questioned, it put her in good light at work. She was always reliable.

Leaving the bar where she had met Fahri Alex decided to get some Chinese on her way home. It was walking distance to her apartment and she had an appetite for the first time in weeks, so she dismissed the idea of taking a cab. She got lost in thought whilst making her way through the throngs of pedestrians on the sidewalk, watching her feet make contact with the concrete blocks one step after the other. The sounds around her merged into grey noise, unfocussed, until the one sound that would always make Alex stop in her tracks emerged from the din. It was laughter. Piper's laughter. Alex thought she was dreaming but the bodies that crashed into her suddenly still form made the reality undeniable. She looked up, desperately scanning the crowd, until she lay eyes on the woman that had been occupying her every living thought for years. Piper was in front of the Chinese restaurant, her head thrown back, laughing whole heartedly. It was the most beautiful sight Alex had seen in years, the sound lingering in her mind. She felt herself being pulled towards Piper, her feet moving involuntarily being drawn by Piper's gravity. She was mere feet away from her very source of desire when, for the second time in minutes, she was stopped dead in her tracks.

Piper was laughing with someone, a man. A man that had his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him as she threw her arms around his neck. A man that was where Alex was supposed to be.

Alex staggered back, feeling her already broken heart being pulverised. Of course Piper had moved on, how could she have expected anything else? But the reality of it was unbearable. In the thousand instances that Alex had imagined seeing her again, this had never come to mind. Alex's head was starting to spin. She didn't know which direction to go in. Her stumbling was causing the other pedestrians to anger, and just as one man shouted at her to get out of the way, Piper looked up. They're eyes met for a split second before Alex found the control to slip away into the crowd and turn the corner. Had she seen her?  _Please no, she can't see me like this!_  Alex tried to make her heart stop racing as she leaned in a doorway. It stopped completely when she heard her voice.

"Alex?" Piper had seen her. She had followed her. Alex pushed her body flat against the fall, hoping that no part of her was visible.

"Who are you looking for Pipes?" The man's voice, calling her by the name that was reserved for Alex, or had been.

"I just thought I saw someone. It's okay, our order should be ready, let's go."

Alex let out the breath she didn't know she was holding.  _Fuck._  Alex wasn't at all ready for everything she was feeling at that moment. Heading around the block she made her way home, blindly making her way from street to street until she reached her building. She threw open her door and headed straight for the bottle of Scotch. After a few long drinks, she waited for the effect of the alcohol to numb her, but it wasn't fast enough. She had a better solution. She just couldn't deal with what just happened. She headed to the bathroom to retrieve her kit. Placing the lighter and spoon on the basin she looked up before she started preparing her hit. As she leaned on the sink her eyes met that of her mirror image. It wasn't what she was used to. The confident gaze, flawless skin and hint of power that used to emanate from her had gone. She looked like a mere husk of her former self, now just appearing tired and worn out. Was this really what she had become? The once proud Alex Vause running to heroin because she was too weak to deal with her reality, with what she had caused? Her thoughts wandered again. Piper. What would she say if she saw her like this? Alex imagined Piper's face, staring at her with a mixture of pity and disgust. But that wasn't Piper, it was what Alex herself was feeling.

Out of anger she took what heroin she had in her possession and threw it out in the sink, turning on the taps and watching the white powder disappear down the drain. She refused to be weak anymore. She refused to be controlled by her past, something that she could never change. Her only hope would be to take control of her future. Seeing Piper had brought all her dormant feelings to rise. Everything she had felt over the last six years seemed dull in comparison to what it felt like actually seeing her again. Alex closed her eyes and remembered that moment, Piper's blonde hair hugging her shoulders, her eyes as blue as ever, her body… What if.

Alex knew that she was being selfish. Piper had a different life now, why would she want to let Alex near her? She seemed happy, she seemed content. But there was a part of Alex that couldn't deny that some of the old Piper seemed lost. The intensity had left her eyes, she seemed to have settled. All this from seeing the woman for 30 seconds. Alex had to laugh at herself. Was she already building castles in the sky? No, she was grabbing the one lifeline that was worth anything. Even though it might be selfish she owed it to herself to try and save some part of them.

Looking at herself again she knew that she was in no state to attempt any grand gestures of reconciliation. Many years have passed and a lot had changed. But things could change again. Alex wasn't big on moments of self-reflection, but she knew she had already made her decision. As she leant down to splash water on her face she started formulating her plan. She was good at making things happen even when the situation seemed impossible.

First, of course, she had to get clean. She winced slightly at the thought of giving up the heroin, something she had thought of as her only support for a while now, but she was a lousy junky anyway. She never fully committed, and even though H made her feel good, she knew it would fuck her over in the end. As Alex weighed up her options she knew that she had one thing that would not allow her to give up; she had never stopped loving Piper. Through all the hurt and hate it was always there, always threatening to break the surface. It was a love that was incomparable, one that she would pursue with a tenacity she hadn't displayed in ages.

But as with every big decision there was the slightest trickle of doubt creeping in. What would she be willing to do, to give up to reach her goal? Before she could delve back into her darkness she knew though, the only way to approach this was the way to approach her recovery. One day at a time.


	12. Part III, Chapter 2

PART III: CHAPTER 2

Piper stood in front of the restaurant, laughing at some silly joke that Larry had made. They were waiting for their order, Chinese food, predictable. Piper found herself enjoying predictable with Larry. It wasn't adventure, it wasn't chaos or excitement. It was stability and feeling grounded.

They had been together for almost four years and had fallen into a nice little routine. They were living together, they had their favourite restaurants, double dates with Polly and Pete, watching Mad Men. Life was simple. Simple is what Piper wanted. It was what she decided she needed after Alex, after leaving her in Paris and after the two years that followed in which Piper had thrown herself into any and every relationship she could find, hoping to find a way to rid her mind and body of Alex.

Simple. Like the nice little soap business she and Polly had going. Simple. Like getting the exact same Chinese take-out at the same restaurant every week.

Piper put her arms around Larry's neck and was about to lean in for a kiss when a rude voice made her turn her head. The world stopped. Alex. An electric jolt flew through Piper's entire body, something she hadn't felt in years. A terrifying mixture of excitement, of fear, anger and relief. Could this be real? Six years of making a new life, shaken to the core by a second of seeing this woman. Was it even really her? She looked tired, frail, not at all how Piper remembered her. And she did remember her, for all her efforts to forget.

There were too many little things that would pull her thoughts towards Alex. Too many things shared in their years together. The smell of books, red wine, jazz, whiskey, everything that Piper had loved with Alex. In all her desperate attempts to start over she had to push so many things to the background.

Piper blinked, still not believing her eyes, and the woman was gone. She pulled away from Larry and walked against the stream of people on the sidewalk, turning the corner to the alley.

"Alex?"

The alley was empty, but Piper could swear she could still feel Alex there. Before she could move further, Larry was behind her.

"Who are you looking for Pipes? Suddenly the use of Alex's name for her sent a rush of anger through Piper. He wasn't Alex, how dare he? She stopped herself from snapping at him. Poor Larry, completely oblivious to the intense, tumultuous feelings running through her. She had no reason to take it out on him. She calmed herself before she spoke.

"I just thought I saw someone. It's okay, our order should be ready, let's go."

Piper forced herself away from the alley, forced herself back to her simple reality of take-out and Larry. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe it wasn't even Alex? But Piper couldn't deny it. There was no other person in the world that could make her feel the way she was in that moment. It felt almost foreign to her, to have so many contradictory thoughts and feelings again. Even if it was only her imagination, she could not deny the force with which memories of Alex had suddenly flooded back, bringing along with them feelings that she had supressed for years.

She walked next to Larry on their way home, oblivious to what he was saying. She shook off his attempt to hold her hand, folding her arms across her body, saying she was cold. She didn't want him to touch her right now, and she couldn't explain that to him. Piper knew that she had to snap back from this Alex induced haze, but it felt like she was recovering from physical shock. As they entered their shared apartment Piper went straight to the kitchen and took out a bottle of whiskey she kept in the back of the cupboard.

"Scotch and Chinese? Really Pipes?"

"What?!" Piper couldn't stop herself. There was just too much. Too much feeling, confusion, too much of Alex suddenly in her head to focus on Larry and his opinion. She was overwhelmed, feeling like she was drowning while at the same time feeling as though her true self was surfacing for the first breath in years.

She looked up at Larry's stunned expression. She knew she should feel sorry, feel at least slightly guilty for snapping at him, but she knew that even if she tried to explain herself he would never understand. Looking at him standing, almost cowering from her, she felt sorry for him. She couldn't help but think that Larry had probably never felt anything close to the intensity that she had with Alex, that he had never been truly passionate about anything. But she was being unfair. She had chosen Larry because with him what you saw was what you got. He wasn't the one hiding a three year relationship with a tall, hot, female drug dealer.

She softened slightly.

"I'm sorry. I just had another one of those conversations with my mother earlier and it kept playing in my head. You know how worked up she can make me," Piper lied. She knocked back the rest of her whiskey as Larry approached her. As much as she wanted to move away, she forced herself to let him put his arms around her. This wasn't his fault. He didn't deserve any of this. Piper had to remind herself constantly that she had chosen him, that this was what she wanted. The difference was that for the first time in four years, she felt like she was lying.

Their evening went on as usual. Eating in front of the TV, standard conversation. Piper went to bed first, needing some time to herself to try and sort through her thoughts. She lay in the dark thinking about her past, her present, trying not to think about her future. She convinced herself that she simply needed to carry on as if nothing had happened. Fall back into routine with Larry. Simple as that. But her thoughts were useless when her entire body knew that in that one second, everything had changed. Nothing involving Alex was ever simple, and even the slightest glimpse of her had shaken the very foundation of everything she had built with Larry.

As she heard him enter the room she feigned sleep. She knew what he would want from her, but she knew that she would be unable to give any part of herself to him that night, until she could once again purge herself of Alex Vause.

Weeks had gone by since that night. Piper had somehow forced herself to act normal around Larry and Polly. With all her mood swings Polly was convinced she was pregnant for a while, but Piper was quick to assure her that there was absolutely no possibility of that.

"Things not going so well with you and Larry? You seem so happy, don't tell me there's trouble in paradise?"

"No, everything's fine. You know, the usual, boring, predictable, fine."

"Okay? Curb your enthusiasm there Piper, it's contagious." Polly was such a fan of sarcasm.

"Have you ever thought that we were just settling? That we could do better than this? I mean, we're pretty successful in our business, we're both strong independent women, yet here we are, me with an unemployed boyfriend and you with an alcoholic."

"Pete's not an alcoholic, he's Australian. And speak for yourself, I'm happy with Pete, we've even been talking about having kids. Although I think he might have some severe growing up to do."

"That's just the thing. Larry's like a kid. He still gets money from his parents, has no job, living on this dream that he'll be a successful writer. It's like he's just waiting for things to happen for him."

"Sure, and you only found this out yesterday. Piper, what the hell is going on? After four years you suddenly realise that Larry is exactly what he seems? What happened to you loving how caring and attentive he is? How he knows when to get Chinese? How it's so nice having him around when you get home instead of at some high paying job that keeps him away the whole time?"  
"I wish he would go away! I never have any time to myself! There's so much going on and I can't take a fucking moment to figure anything out!"

"Piper? What's going on? Because outside of work, your relationship and your mother, nothing ever happens in your life, and I know everything about all of them."

Piper debated telling Polly. She knew Polly had never taken kindly to Alex, but she realised that she needed to talk to someone before she lost her mind.

"I saw Alex." The words came out in a whisper, as if sharing the words would make that memory disappear.

"Supercunt!? You've got to be kidding me! Where? When? What did she say to you?"

Piper couldn't help but laugh at Polly's reaction. She relayed the story, told Polly everything, how she was feeling, how confused she was.

"And I have no idea where she is, Polly. It was one second and then she was gone. And I can't even find her and tell her how angry she's made me."

"Pipes, I've never been shy about my feelings regarding Alex. I'm going to remind you that you're in a perfectly fine relationship with Larry. But I'm also your best friend, and I've never seen you look at him the way you used to look at her. I know that perfectly fine is not good enough for you."

It was all that Piper needed to hear. Someone else to tell her that she was not completely crazy for wanting to see Alex, even just for a chance to talk to her. All she had to do was find the one person in the roughly 8 million people living in the city and sit down for a chat. Easy.

"Have you been to her apartment? Is she even still living there?"

Piper jumped up and grabbed Polly by the shoulders.

"You fucking genius! How have I not thought of that! It's been six years though, what are the odds she still has that apartment? And what am I going to say to her?"

"Sweety, you don't just give up a piece of real estate like that in this city. And my first suggestion would be to say you're sorry. You know, for being such a complete ass and leaving her the way you did."

"Why are you suddenly so supportive of this? You hate her, and you know that I was not the only ass in that relationship."

"I know. I hate her. But I love you. And when you come back all happy, I'll be happy. And when you come back fucked up and sad because she told you to leave, I'll be here to comfort you and tell you I told you so, which will also make me happy. Either way, I win."

Piper went home to a surprisingly empty flat. A note pinned to the fridge read "Out with Pete, be back late."  _Thank you Polly._

Now that her mind was made up Piper felt a strange sense of calm. She possibly knew where to find Alex, but she felt no need to rush. It had already been six years, she knew she needed to go there knowing what to say. If this was going to start out right she wasn't going to take any chances. There was a giddy excitement building in her. She refused to give in to the "what if" thoughts that plagued the edge of her mind.  _What if she still hates me?_ But so much has happened, so much has changed. Anything could happen.


	13. Part III, Chapter 3

Part III: Chapter 3

Alex's heart was racing. Sweat stung her eyes and ran in little rivulets down her back. Her muscles were aching, her whole body screaming for rest, for relief, but there was no letting up.

Again and again her gloved hands connected with the punching bag. This was not a sport for her, it was her therapy. To push her body to new limits, quieting her mind and finally finding a way to rid her of years of anger, resentment and fear. She pushed herself for another five minutes before sinking down on the floor and gulping down her water. She couldn't help but chuckle at herself. Who would ever have thought that she would be taking part in any activity that could be classified as exercise? She certainly had never imagined it, but then again, she had never imagined seeing Piper again. She never imagined that she would have the chance, no matter how small, to become someone that Piper would want to be with again.

Getting her body clean had been difficult at first. Even though she wasn't a regular user she still had to go through hell to rid her of the toxic substances she had pumped into herself. She had gone completely cold turkey, and it was painful, but she had done it on her own. She wasn't sure whether this just proved that she surrounded herself with the wrong type of people or whether it was just her inherent stubbornness taking over, but she was glad that she had done it without help. She had to prove to herself that she was the independent, strong woman that Piper had fallen in love with, because if she didn't have at least a part of her old self to offer she wasn't sure that Piper would be interested in who she could become. She realised that she had to do this for herself as much as she needed to do it for Piper. She couldn't offer her a version of herself that wasn't whole, and the realist in her reminded her that if things didn't go her way she only had herself to fall back on. Of course there was also the fact that she needed to get out of the business. She knew full well that it wasn't the type of job you just walked out of, but she had started conversations with Fahri about retiring. Retirement meant that she would be no threat to them by working for a different cartel, but there was still a lot of conversation to be had. At least Fahri didn't dismiss her thoughts immediately.

She had spent countless hours thinking of how she would approach Piper. She could feign a casual run-in, she could boldly show up at Poppi, the shop she had located on the internet, she had come up with ridiculous and fanciful ways and with completely unimaginative ones. But when it came down to knowing Piper and what she responds to, no one knew better than Alex that the only way to approach her was with words. She had wracked her brain trying to find exactly what to say or write to her, but in that moment where her body was aching with exhaustion her mind suddenly became clear. She raised herself off the floor and walked to her bookshelf. She scanned the rows and quickly found the volume she was looking for. It was the book that she had found Piper reading their first morning together. If anything it would appeal to Piper's sentimental side, but she knew the words she chose would convey what she needed to say better than anything she could come up with.

Alex grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and sat down in the very chair that Piper had curled up in when reading. She scanned through the pages until she found what she was looking for. Knowing that Piper had read and re-read the book she knew she didn't have to underline anything, she was sure her eyes would find the exact words they were meant to.

" _To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved... This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?"_

On the piece of paper she simply wrote another quote from the book. One that would speak of what Alex needed to say, but it also posed as a question to Piper, even a challenge. In her distinct capitalised handwriting were the words:

" _What you risk reveals what you value."_

This was it. She would keep it simple. She didn't want an instant confrontation or a dramatic romantic scene. She wanted to give Piper the opportunity to decide for herself whether she wanted contact with Alex or not. She wasn't going to do anything to risk scaring Piper away.

She found an envelope and slid the book inside, together with a note containing her phone number. No name necessary. She wrote the address of Poppi on the front of the envelope. For a while she just sat there, clutching the package, before she added a final touch; a small heart and the letters AV in the corner.

"I thought you had more balls than this. You've been jumping between going there and hiding here for weeks now! I know your mind is made up, but honey, it's time to make a move."

"I know, I know. But this isn't something that I can just rush into Polly. What if she just slams the door in my face? What if I finally face her and there's nothing there? I hurt her. I know what I did is unforgivable and then I have the audacity to just show up and say, what,  _Hi, I know it's been a while but how about it?_ "

"No you idiot. Firstly, I know your verbal skills exceed your stupidity. Secondly, and you know I'm right about this, there is no chance in hell she would just send you packing, even if it is only for a chance to yell at you."

"But she ran away! When I saw her in that street, and I  _know_  it was her, she just disappeared. That's not exactly the greatest incentive to go knocking on her door."

"Sure. And if you were in her shoes and after six years suddenly saw her with another man, only of course in her case a woman because she knows what she wants, you would just have gone skipping over to her and invited her for coffee. Get over yourself Piper. You miss her, you never stopped. It's clear as fucking day that you can't stop thinking about her so man the fuck up and go to her."

"I know. You're right. I hate that you're right. I'm terrified Polly. And as ridiculous as this sounds, what the fuck am I going to wear?"

"Wow. You're depth is astounding. If you really want to make an impression I would say wear nothing, but that might be a little over the top even for you."

This earned Polly a well aimed punch on the arm. It was a quiet day in the shop and Polly hadn't stopped hounding her about Alex for a second. They had often talked about the situation, but it had reached a point where talking about it wasn't helping Piper to get any closer to actually following through. As much as she couldn't stop thinking about Alex, there was still Larry to consider. She wasn't happy, that much was clear, and she was disappointed in herself that it took seeing Alex for her to realise that. Of course Larry was oblivious to what was going on. The only thing he noticed was that they weren't having sex but he always believed Piper's multitude of excuses. Was she going to break up with him before trying to see Alex? Give up four years of a relationship for the small chance of reconnecting with the love of her life? Piper knew she was being a coward. She wanted the opportunity but she also wanted the safety net. It was selfish, but what Larry didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

As Piper was getting lost in her tumultuous thoughts again the bell hanging over the door let off its soft ring.

"Is there a Piper Chapman here?"

The courier had an envelope in his hands.

"I'm Piper," she said it almost questioningly. She didn't remember ordering anything and no-one sent her packages.

She signed for the package and moved back to behind the counter, scanning the shop for customers that might need assistance before she sat down. And thank god she was sitting. Her eyes immediately caught the small heart and initials in the top corner. AV. Alex Vause. It could only be her. She tore open the envelope, her heart thundering in her chest. As she pulled out the book she couldn't stop her eyes filling with tears. She hadn't read it since she left Alex, although she had often wanted to revisit the words that had become such an integral part of her life all those years ago.

Her fingers moved over the cover, stroking the worn edges, when she realised that this was the exact copy she used to read whilst curled up in the chair by the window. She moved to open the book to where she could see a piece of paper peeking out. Her eyes scanned the page, the words all so familiar, until she came to the passage she knew, or at least hoped was meant for her. The tears that had been threatening to spill freely ran down her cheeks. If ever Piper needed a sign that there was something left between her and Alex to salvage, this was it. Her vision was so clouded with tears that she almost missed the handwriting on the bookmark.

" _What you risk reveals what you value."_

Those words had often come to Piper's mind in the last few years. She was playing everything safe, living her predictable life with Larry. She knew, when she read them in Alex's handwriting, that this was Alex daring her to show her what she really believed in. The fact that Alex had already taken the risk of sending this to her was not lost on her either. What would she be willing to risk for Alex? She knew she couldn't take the risks they had taken together in the past, but what was clearer than anything else in her mind at that moment was that she was more than willing to risk her heart. She had to end things with Larry. She couldn't be in a relationship with him when even the possibility of Alex made her feel this way. Polly was right, she would never love him the way she loved Alex, and it would be better for her, more honest of her, to rather be alone than be in a one sided relationship.

Another piece of paper caught Piper's eye. In Alex's distinct text a note containing just a few numbers. She didn't have to guess what it was. Without hesitation she reached for her phone and dialled. She had wasted enough time debating with herself over the last few weeks. It seemed like an eternity before the phone started ringing. Another eternity before she heard a voice, a voice she never thought she would hear again.

"Alex?"

Alex clung to the phone, her knuckles turning white as she started shaking. Whether it was excitement or nerves she couldn't tell.

"Pipes?" The familiar name slid off her tongue with ease.

"It really was you. I've been going crazy thinking I was seeing things. And then you were gone and I thought... Alex, I miss you." It wasn't exactly what Piper had planned on opening with, but if the note that Alex had sent her was anything to go by, blatant honesty was a good start. She was never good at playing it cool anyway.

"Pipes... oh my god I'm so glad you called. I've been imagining this moment for so long but I can't even begin to describe to you how good it is to hear your voice. When I saw you... I'm sorry I ran. It just took me so completely by surprise, but I guess nothing could prepare me for seeing you again."

"Would you like to? See me again, that is. I know we have a lot to talk about, but please Alex, can I just see you and talk to you in person?" Piper's voice was almost begging. She could feel tears starting to form in her eyes again and had to swallow hard to keep them back.

"Yes. I want to see you. I've wanted to for the longest time, I just..." There was too much to say, and Alex knew that this shouldn't be happening over the phone.

"Can I meet you somewhere? I would ask you to come to my apartment but I understand if you want a more public setting. It might be safer, for both of us."

Piper considered Alex's words. As far as she was concerned "safe" flew out the window the moment they made contact again.

"Let's meet somewhere and just take it from there, would that be okay?"

"Perfect."

"Thank you, Alex, for the book, for the words. I'm fucking terrified."

"I know." Alex let took a deep breath. "I know it's terrifying Pipes, but I also know I can't go another day without seeing you."

The sincerity in Alex voice forced the tears from Piper. She couldn't believe this was finally happening. They arranged a meeting place and ended the call. One hour. One hour until Alex could stand in front of Piper, could look at her, touch her.

On either side of the city the two women were desperately attempting to prepare themselves. Piper frantically relaying the events to Polly as Alex applied her eyeliner as evenly as possible despite all her shaking. Neither knew whether they would ever be ready for this meeting, for all the possible things it could mean.


	14. Part III, Chapter 4

PART III: CHAPTER 4

Piper was shaking as she entered the bar. She hope that Alex would already be there, she dreaded the thought of having to sit alone and wait with her thoughts and anticipation. As she walked into the dimly lit interior she scanned the room. There were only a few other people, scattered, sitting at little tables or in the booths. No Alex. Her heart sunk a bit, a plummeting feeling that could be seen by the light slump of her shoulders. Her nerves were starting to get the better of her. Her thoughts ran wild, every possibility rushing through her mind. What if Alex had decided not to come? Had she changed her mind?

As the slight panic started to fill her she jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder. She spun around, almost colliding with the body behind her. The first thing she saw, exactly at eye level, was the most exquisite lips. Familiar lips that slowly parted, curling into a smile. She allowed her eyes to travel upwards, her pulse racing. The moment she finally looked into Alex's eyes, she was lost, her senses overwhelmed. She could feel the warmth radiating off her body, her scent, how she had missed it, filled her with every breath.

The first sound that Alex made was a deep, slow laugh. The sound pulled Piper from her daze, everything felt so familiar, yet so vastly surreal.

"Hi…" It was no more than a whisper. Alex looked down at her, her green eyes reflecting the smile that still lingered on her lips.

"Hey."

They simply stood there, both afraid to move. Piper finally found the courage to lift her hand to Alex's face, needing the touch, the contact, to confirm that the woman in front of her was real. The fire that rushed through her as her hand came to rest against Alex's cheek was undeniable. This was really happening. Alex slowly closed her eyes at the contact, turning her head slightly into Piper's palm. She remained still, drinking in Piper's proximity. As she opened her eyes and once again looked into the blue orbs in front of her she had to stop herself from simply leaning in and kissing Piper. Her self-restraint stretched almost to breaking point as she witnessed the slightest hint of tears form in Piper's eyes.

"Hey," she whispered again. "I don't know if those are happy tears or whether you just realised you made a giant mistake."

"Alex." Piper had to swallow hard to keep her voice from cracking. "I just can't believe this is real. I have imagined seeing you so many times, imagined what I would say. And now you're here I just want to look at you. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too, kid. Too much.

Before either one of them could utter another word they were pulled from their private little universe by the door opening behind them. Together they moved further into the room, opting to sit at one of the small tables. A waiter approached them and they ordered their drinks, seemingly incapable of breaking eye contact. A glass of white wine for Piper and whisky with a glass of water for Alex. The surprise was clear on Piper's face.

"Water? I don't think I ever heard you ordering water before."

"Yeah, well, a lot has happened. A lot has changed Piper, apparently more so with you than with me, judging from what I saw a few weeks ago." Alex couldn't keep the distaste from her voice. She knew she had no right to judge Piper, but the image of her and that man still made her cringe. She knew that she was immediately being defensive to hide her nervousness, her fear of what Piper's reaction would be to what she knew she needed to tell her.

"Alex, I know there's a lot to say, a hell of a lot of time to cover, but can you at least give me a chance to tell you before you make up your mind about who I am now?"

"I'm sorry. I just… I always thought I had this figured out. It's funny how reality can piss on your dreams sometimes. I somehow got myself to believe that if I ever saw you again you'd be available and I would have my life sorted out and we'd fall back into being us. Then again, I haven't always been thinking soberly."

"You thought about us? I always thought you hated me Alex, for what I did to you, for how I left you. I have spent the last six years feeling guilty, wishing I could take it back, do things differently. I'm so sorry Alex. I still am. What I did was unforgivable. I left you when you needed me most, I was so selfish. I've never been able to forgive myself and I just always thought that you would never want to have anything to do with me again."

"Pipes, I'm not going to argue with you and say that what you did was okay. You broke my fucking heart. I'm not going to lie to you and pretend that I'm fine, pretend that seeing you the other day, seeing you now isn't tearing me up inside. I'm fucking confused Pipes. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, things that I'm ashamed of now but that I thought were completely justified in my attempts to get over you. But I'm done. I'm done hiding and I'm done running. Seeing you the other day made one thing abundantly clear, and that is that I will never be over you. You were too big a part of me, and I'm sorry if all this is too much, too honest, but I need you to know. I need you to see me as I am now, not as the woman you remember. I don't even know how you remember me. I know I was a selfish ass back then, always playing it cool, not letting anything get to me. But I lay myself bare to you now. This is who I am, this is my heart, and all I can ask of you is to be a part of it again. I'm nowhere near perfect, Pipes, I don't think I ever will be, but I'm trying."

Piper was completely speechless. She had expected anger from Alex, which she felt she deserved. She would never have imagined to hear those words from her. Her mind was spinning.  _I will never be over you._  What was she saying? Did Alex really want her, still? How, after the way she ended things, could she even consider it? Piper had imagined herself begging Alex to allow her back in her life, she never expected the request to come from her.

The silence was starting to weigh on Alex. She finally looked down, staring at her hands on the table.

"I'm sorry, I know that was too much too quickly, but I figured if I had one opportunity to see you I might as well just get it all out…" Her voice drifted off. She was tired. Her little monologue had emotionally drained her, especially after all the stress and excitement that had preceded their meeting.

Piper slid her hands across the table and covered Alex's with her own, stopping the other woman's fidgeting. Alex raised her eyes again, looking at Piper with a hint of fear. She had no idea how Piper would react, but she would never forgive herself for not taking this chance, for not risking everything for the slightest hope that Piper would come back to her.

"Alex, I don't know what to say. And before you think that's a bad thing, please just give me a chance to digest what just happened. It wasn't exactly what I expected. I had planned on grovelling before you, begging for forgiveness. I don't know what I am to you. I'm not sure what you want me to be. All I know is that I can't carry on pretending that everything in my life is fine because when I saw you I realised that a giant part of me has been missing. It was easy to pretend, easy to disappear into this world I had created. I'm stuck in a simple, boring relationship because it was easy. It was easy because it meant that I had control. That was what scared me most with you, that I felt I had no control over myself when I was with you. I would have done anything for you, Alex, and it terrified me. But I knew from the moment I left that I would never feel with anyone else what I felt with you. I could never feel as much for anyone. I could never love anyone the way I love you."

"You forgot to use the past tense."

"No, I didn't. I know a lot of time has passed, and I know that my life is completely different now and is soon to be a giant mess, but I never stopped loving you Alex. I ran away because I was afraid I loved you too much."

Piper tightened her grip on Alex's hands as she saw tears run down the other woman's face.

"I don't know if those are happy tears or whether you just realised you made a giant mistake." Piper repeated Alex's words back to her. At least this drew a small smile from her lips.

"I'm done making mistakes with you Pipes. If any of this means what I think it does, there's no way I'm fucking it up again. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, I know there's still a lot of conversation that needs to happen, but I'm not letting you go again. I've spent the last couple of years trying to numb myself and now I'm done. I know this isn't going to be simple, I know that we can't just say what we've just said and live happily ever after. There's so much that you don't know, so much I need to tell you, things that could potentially push you away. I don't know what's happened in your life since you left, how you've changed… Piper, you're in a fucking relationship."

"Yes, and that's my problem to deal with. Alex, I'm not saying we should move in together immediately, I've become slightly more realistic than I was when I was 23. Yes, we have a lot to work through, but if what we both just said is any indication it's fucking clear that we both want to make something work. I can't shut you off Alex. I can't un-see you. I can't go back to Larry and pretend that you don't still have my heart. I'm willing to risk it Alex. I'm willing to risk it all.

Sure, a lot of things have changed, but Alex, can you honestly sit here and tell me that what you're feeling isn't exactly as strong as it was six years ago?"

Alex found herself simply staring at Piper again. There was the passion that Alex had thought missing when she first saw her. The reality of the situation, of Piper's words slowly settled in her mind. She had come here to win Piper back and now she was playing devil's advocate with all her "what ifs".  _What the fuck are you doing? She's right in front of you and you're being a pussy._  Alex snapped back, reminding herself why she was there.

"How are we going to do this?" Piper could see that Alex's resolve had returned.

"Slowly. And together. Obviously I have one or two things to take care of. I want to start anew with you Alex, start fresh. It's not going to be easy, like you said, there's a lot we have to talk about, but I want complete honesty between us if we're going to make anything work. I had decided to end things with Larry before I even came here, I can't continue living a lie any longer."

"Then, in the name of complete honesty, I have to remind you what I do for a living Pipes. But I need you to know that I'm trying to get out. It's not going to be easy, but I'm trying to figure it out. If you want a completely fresh start it can't happen with me still in the cartel. I know how you hated it, the hold it had on our relationship. I want to get out, for me and for us, but it's going to take time."

The reality of what was facing them slowly dawned on Piper.

"Fuck"


	15. Part III, Chapter 5

PART III: CHAPTER 5

The room was thick with silence. The only sound cutting through the tense atmosphere was the scraping of cutlery on plates. Piper had no idea how to approach breaking up with Larry. She was desperately trying to come up with a way that wouldn't hurt him too much, but she knew that causing him pain would be inevitable. It would have been so much easier if he wasn't so sensitive and naïve.

"Pipes?"

Piper's head snapped up from where she was staring at her food, mostly uneaten.

"Sorry. Were you saying something?"

"Yes. I was asking what was going on with you lately. We've barely talked and when you're around me you seem like your mind is in a different world. Is it something I've done? Please just tell me so I can fix it?"

Poor Larry. Automatically assuming that it was something he did. Piper felt so much worse after hearing his words. None of this was Larry's fault. She had chosen him for all the wrong reasons and now he was going to suffer because of it. Piper realised, after days of agonising over what to say to him, that the only way to do it was with the truth. She drunk deeply from her wine before she looked at Larry again.

"I'm sorry Larry. There is something I've been meaning to talk to you about, but I haven't quite found the words. There's a lot you don't know about me, and I always thought that my past would never have an influence on us, but a part of that past has come back and it's changed everything."

"Come on Pipes, how bad can it be? Do you have a criminal past that you've been hiding from me?" Larry was trying his best to make light of the situation that was in truth filling him with dread. There was something about the expression on Piper's face that made him feel uneasy, like this a conversation that should have started with "we need to talk."

Piper took another drink from her glass.

"Actually, that's not too far off."

She gave her words a moment to sink in. She definitely had Larry's attention.

"Remember I told you that I had travelled after college? I was with someone then, someone who was in an interesting line of work. She was an importer working for an international drug cartel."

At the use of the word "she" Larry's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"It was my first serious relationship. I was completely in love with her, I would have done anything for her. I did. I transported a suitcase of money across international borders. It was stupid but I barely gave it a second thought at the time.

We were together for three years. Three amazing years in which we travelled everywhere and shared everything. Things just got a bit much for me after a while, I guess I still had a lot to figure out, but I left her in Paris and came back home. I've felt horrible for how I ended things with her for the last six years. So much guilt.

The thing is, Larry, I saw her for the first time about a month and a half ago. I thought I had moved on from her but all these feelings came rushing back the moment I lay eyes on her. I'm sorry for making it so difficult to be around me lately, but Alex being back has made me realise so many things.

Larry, I know we've had a good few years together, but I can't ignore the fact that I still have very deep feelings for her."

Piper let her voice trail off. She was terrified of looking at Larry. Her speech wasn't the most elegant, fumbling even, but there was never going to be an easy way to say those words. She finally found the courage to raise her eyes to meet Larry's. He sat with a frown, looking directly at her.

"Pipes, it's okay. I mean, who wouldn't feel something if an ex suddenly showed up. But you don't have to worry about it. You're with me now, and we're going to be okay. Besides, she's a woman Pipes, and you're straight. It doesn't even count as a real relationship."

Larry's little chuckle died quickly at the look on Piper's face.

" _Excuse me_? Not a real relationship because she was a woman?" Piper couldn't believe what Larry had just said. She had never known his opinion on this matter because there was never a need to discuss it. Unknowingly, Larry had just made it so much easier for her to get her words out.

"Let me enlighten you about a few things Larry. First off, it was very much a real relationship. More so than I've ever had with any man, and definitely more real than whatever the fuck it is that we have. You could never give me what I had with Alex, and I guess that's why I chose you Larry, because you would never be a threat to her memory. I could never feel with you what I did with Alex. Not emotionally and _definitely_ not physically.

You think that this boring little life we have could ever measure up? Fuck, look around you Larry, our apartment looks like it came from a fucking IKEA catalogue. It's a copy and paste life of everything we're supposed to have, everything we are expected to be doing. You know, for a writer it would seem that you have very little imagination. There is nothing exciting here, nothing outside of the box. You're so fucking desperate to please everyone that you've played it safe your entire life.

You're so fucking obtuse that you dare tell me that what I felt, what I feel for another woman is not real?! Tell me, Larry, what exactly is real between us? We've just been going through the motions for years now. I can't say that I didn't know what I was getting into, that a normal, boring life wasn't what I needed for a while, but I guess deep down I expected that you would man the fuck up and actually make something of yourself. But here we are, in exactly the same place as we were in the beginning, you still don't have a job, you're still  _aspiring_ to be a writer. Maybe, just maybe, you could have aspired to be someone I would actual try to fight for. But I can't Larry, I can't lie anymore and pretend that I'm happy with you. I can't do this anymore."

Larry sat silently, mouth agape as Piper finished her rant. That was honestly the last thing he expected to happen. His words were meant to placate her, not end their relationship. Larry inarguably suffered from foot in mouth disease, but that was always something he thought Piper found endearing in him. He played Piper's words over in his head, the hurt slowly settling over him. How could everything happen so suddenly? They were fine, weren't they? Evidently they had problems, problems that Larry was completely blind to but surely they could fix it.

"What do you mean, Pipes? What can't you do anymore?" Maybe playing stupid could at least buy him some time.

"I mean exactly what I said, Larry. I'm done. With you, with us, with this life."

"You can't just throw everything that we've built together away Piper. I don't even know this part of you. How can you just suddenly spring all this information on me and then expect me to be fine with just letting you go?" Larry was close to tears. He desperately wanted to be angry, but the weight of Piper's words was resting heavily on him. Her words had really hit home. He knew that he couldn't argue with half of what she had said, but he couldn't just take all of it lying down.

"Larry, I'm sorry. I truly am. But regardless of what you're fine with, I am leaving this relationship. I wish there was an easier way, I wish things could remain unsaid and we could just part ways. But I have to make you understand that this is not what I want anymore. I don't want you to fight for me, I don't' want you to try and fix things that I'm sure, according to you, were never broken. I'm done Larry. Nothing you can do or say can make me change my mind or my heart."

There was a part of Piper that wished her words would make Larry hate her. It would make it so much easier, she could deal with that. But the puppy-dog eyes and quivering lip, she couldn't deal with. Anger started to rise in her again. Anger at herself for what she had said, she had never wanted to hurt Larry so, and her true anger at Larry for revealing his prejudice.

Before Larry could say another word Piper pushed her chair back and got up. She had almost reached the doorway when Larry spoke again.

"So the fact that you just admitted to committing a crime, and the fact that I could easily make contacts with the authorities wouldn't even be enough to change your mind?"

That was the final nail in the coffin. If Larry wanted the full force of Piper Chapman's wrath, he was about to get it.

"Blackmail, Larry?! Of course! It's only the most cowardly method of trying to get your way, and what else could I expect from you? Are you going to go run to mommy and daddy now and tell them what your evil, criminal, lesbian loving ex-girlfriend had done? Are you going to get daddy to contact the right people?" Piper stepped forward, coming face to face with Larry.

"You know what the saddest thing is? I don't think you even have the balls to go through with it. Because how embarrassing would it be for you and your family to suddenly reveal that you've been in a relationship with a criminal this whole time? Especially with daddy being a lawyer. And what would people say of you? Maybe they'll ask how you could be so fucking blind, that you've been with someone whose history has remained shielded from you so long and you never thought to ask why? You'll be the fucking laughing stock of New York. And maybe deservedly so, because you, Larry, are so fucking naïve that it sickens me. Welcome to the real world sweetheart. It's not the sheltered little world your parents showed you, you don't get a medal for fucking participation. And last, but very much not least, maybe you can get daddy to check the statute of limitations regarding my little crime. I think you'll find you just missed the expiry date."

Piper walked into the bedroom, exhausted. The reverberating slamming of the front door sent a chill through her. She wasn't proud of what had just transpired, but it was done. She and Larry were finished. She would figure out how he would get his things from the apartment later, right now she just wanted to rid herself of the evening. She walked into the bathroom and opened the taps, filling the bath with steaming water and bubbles. She always loved getting clean, and Larry Bloom was something she needed to scrub away.

Alex was sitting nervously across from Fahri. She knew what she was asking was unheard of. You didn't just retire from the cartel, you either left in a barred van or you left in a body bag, but she had to try.

Alex had told Fahri everything, about her using, about Piper, hoping that it would make him have some sympathy for her situation. At least she could have an honest conversation with him, if she had to go straight to Kubra, conversation wouldn't even be an option.

"You're placing me in a very difficult position, Alex. You're one of our best, if not  _the_  best, and it would be foolish, never mind close to impossible, to just let you go."

Alex's heart sank. She mentally berated herself for having hope, for once again allowing herself to be let down. She had thought that Fahri would be more understanding, rather than just saying no. Then realisation dawned on her.

"You said 'close to impossible', that means there is a way."

"There's my girl. You know Alex, you've always been one of my favourites. Your attention to detail makes your work truly amazing.

Do you remember the night we met, the night you saw your father for the first time? I could see the disappointment radiating from you. You were a bright girl and you deserved more than him, but I knew you would be better off without him. I knew that you didn't need a father figure, and I was never going to try and be that for you, but I will say that it has been a privilege to watch you grow, to watch you rise from almost nothing and make a success of yourself. I gave you an opportunity that night and you have repaid me tenfold. In return, I would like to give you the opportunity for a chance of a free life, but it will not come easily."

"Name your price Fahri. I know I owe you, I don't even want to imagine where I would be if I hadn't met you, but I have given almost twelve years of my life to the business. I know that's nothing in comparison to what you've given, I just never thought I'd want out. I thought I'd be a lifer, like you, but I guess no one can predict the future."

"No, you can't Alex. So here's the deal. You do one last job for us. You'll get half your usual commission, Kubra needs to feel like he's making something from this, even if I manage to convince him it's for the best. It's a big job, and it might be riskier than what you're used to. I know we don't have enough mules at the moment so you'll have to transport either cash or produce yourself. When you get back and everything gets the all clear, you're done."

Alex was both excited and nervous. One last job and she'd be out. A week or two and she had a shot at an actual future, could it really be that easy?

"Why do I get the feeling there's something you're not telling me? Where is the drop?"

"Paris."

_Of course it's fucking Paris._ Alex had not been back there since Piper, had never wanted to set foot in the city again. But this wasn't exactly something she could refuse. She swallowed hard, her expression hiding her inner turmoil.

"Okay, let's go over the details."

"It's one last trip Pipes, and then I'm done. We both knew it wouldn't exactly be easy."

"I know Alex, but Paris? I know you're good at what you do, like, really fucking brilliant at it, and I know you won't let your emotions interfere with your work, but I'm still going to worry about you. Paris doesn't exactly hold the best memories for you, and that's my fault and I'm sorry. A part of me wishes that I could come with you, we could make new memories there, but I know you have to do this on your own."

"And you know, I hope, that I would never ask you to come with me. I don't even want to think of putting you in that position again."

"When do you leave? Can I at least see you?"

"I leave in the morning, but I still have to pack and organise a few things. Come keep me company?"

"I'll be there in an hour." Piper hurriedly ended the call, almost tripping over one of the many boxes with Larry's belongings in them.

Alex immediately started finalising her business after putting down the phone. She wanted it done by the time Piper got there so that she only had to pack. She didn't want to be sitting in front of the computer with Piper waiting for her. She needed to show her from the beginning that things would be different this time.

Alex had just finished sending the last email when Piper knocked on the door. She opened it to see Piper holding a bottle of wine and a bag of food. Smiling, she stepped aside and let Piper in.

To Piper it felt like coming home. She took in the apartment, unchanged after so much time. Everything in the same place, the same smell, the memories. She leaned in and gave Alex a light kiss on the cheek, just catching the corner of her mouth. Alex closed her eyes at the contact, relishing in the moment. Piper pulled away far too quickly for her liking, but she knew they couldn't rush things. At least Piper was with her, it was a start.

As Alex packed they spoke of everything except the impending trip to Paris. Piper told Alex about the breakup with Larry, how she still struggled to keep her temper in check when thinking about it. Piper didn't want to elaborate too much on their relationship, but she needed Alex to understand why she had made the choices she made.

"Piper," Alex interrupted her, "I'm not going to judge you for anything you did. I can't judge. Nothing you've done could come near to what I did. At least you have rational reasoning behind your decisions. I can only claim idiocy."

"What exactly are you referring to?"

By now Alex had finished packing. They were sitting on the couch, facing each other, each with a glass of wine in their hands. The food that Piper had brought consisted of cheese, charcuterie meats and fresh bread. Alex was enjoying watching Piper make little bites for herself, but as much as she wanted to enjoy the simplicity of the moment, she knew it was time to tell Piper.

"After you left, rock bottom wasn't far away. I finished the deal in France and when I came home I locked myself away from everything and everyone. I was drinking heavily, and for a while that was enough to numb the pain, to help me forget momentarily about you, about my mother. Apparently I built up quite the tolerance, because soon enough alcohol wasn't enough anymore. Pipes, I'm not proud of it, but I needed a way out. I started using Heroin. It was my only escape. It made me feel safe, even happy at times. I knew that none of it was real, it wouldn't change my reality. I know that it was cowardly of me to run to drugs when I couldn't cope."

Alex stopped as she felt Piper's hand covering her own. She met Piper's gaze warily. Alex saw none of the disgust, pity or disappointment that she had been expecting. Piper at her with undeniable love, a hint of worry.

"Please, Alex, just tell me you've stopped."

"I have. The day I saw you in the street I knew I had to. I couldn't be broken when I saw you again. I couldn't hang on to the past anymore, not when there was the slightest hope that I could have some semblance of a relationship with you again. Even friendship."

"We could never be friends, Alex. You know that as well as I do. You know that when it comes to us it's all or nothing. And I want everything."

Piper closed the gap between them, kissing Alex fiercely, claiming her mouth with her tongue. As swiftly as she started the kiss she ended it, taking hold of Alex's hand once again.

"First, though, I just want you to come home safely."

They spent the rest of the night talking, even with the growing tension almost palpable in the room. As the morning approached they fell asleep still on the couch, Piper resting her head on Alex's shoulder, the imminent trip almost forgotten.


	16. Part III, Chapter 6

PART III: CHAPTER 6

"Alex Vause"

"And the purpose of your visit to France?"

"Pleasure"

Alex couldn't help herself from grinning at the slight blush that she had just caused in the young woman at passport control. She gave her a quick wink as she took possession of her passport again. She kept that same confident smirk on her face as she approached customs, not letting a single ounce of nervousness show. The old Alex was definitely back in the game. She knew a part of her would miss this, the adrenaline, the unnervingly close brushes with the law, but what was waiting for her at the other end was so much more than fleeting excitement.

She slowed as she got into line at the customs checkpoint.

"Anything to declare?"

"No." Always keep it simple. Never elaborate and make things complicated.

Only a very keen observer would have spotted that Alex was holding her breath. Her light smile and steady gaze not betraying a single thing. The customs officer looked at her a few seconds longer before waving her through. She smiled again and slowly exhaled as she gracefully made her way to the arrivals lounge. There would be no-one there to meet her, she had wanted to make contact with as few people as possible. She exited the airport and fell in with the line of people waiting for a taxi. As she neared the front of the cue she jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Alex Vause?"

"Depends. Who's asking?"

"I'm a friend of Fahri's. You can come with me." The man, rather non-descript in appearance pointed at a luxury black sedan parked slightly back.

"I'm flattered, but regardless of whose friend you are and how many names you know, I don't know who you are and that means I'm not coming with you. Thank you for the offer." She turned back to face the street.

"You misunderstand Vause. It wasn't an offer."

Alex felt the man's hand on her upper arm, his grip tightening slightly. As she turned to face him she recognised the trained smile, just enough to make everyone think that all was fine, not attracting any attention. She knew that smile. She had that smile.

Alex mirrored his expression, knowing that there was nowhere for her to go. She could not draw attention to herself in any way, and running was definitely not an option. She turned as the man escorted her to the car. As he tried to take her suitcase from her, she stopped him, her voice not leaving any room for interpretation.

"That stays with me. I don't know you and I don't know what the  _fuck_  is going on here, but that stays."

The man looked up at her again and smirked.

"Not a problem."

He opened the back door of the car for her and slid the case onto the seat next to her before making his way to the driver's side. Alex wasn't panicking yet, she couldn't allow herself to. This man said he knew Fahri, and he knew who she was, but that meant nothing. Alex knew, however, that the moment she was perceived as weak, she was done for. She would not unravel on this trip, not the last one. She took a deep breath before addressing the man again.

"So, you got a name?"

"Frederic Loussier, but that's usually too hard for the Americans, so you can call me Freddie."

Choosing to ignore the insult to her intelligence, she simply nodded, catching Frederic's eye in the rear view mirror.

"Any chance you'll enlighten me as to what our destination is? Or would that be too hard for me to grasp as well,  _Monsieur Loussier_?" Alex couldn't help her sarcasm.

"Oh, you have nothing to worry about, Alex. We're going to make the drop and then I've been instructed to show you a good time, you know, as a farewell present."

"Why does that sound highly unlikely? I didn't think we did office parties in this business. How about we make the drop and you just let me do what I planned, which is to go home as soon as humanly possible."

"Come now, Alex, this is Paris, surely you wouldn't want to waste an opportunity to relive the beauty of the city?"

Alex let it go. There wasn't exactly a whole lot for her to do in this situation. At least they would make the drop and she would be free from the suitcase she dragged around like a ball and chain. She would almost be free from everything. Fahri had said that as soon as she made it back she would be done, and besides that, she wasn't exactly keen on spending too much time reminiscing her history with this particular city.

They remained silent as they entered a more familiar part of town, Alex recognised many buildings that she had done deals in previously. Frederic pulled the car in behind one of the buildings and gestured to Alex.

"Here we are. You go ahead."

"You're not coming in to hold my hand?"

Alex glared at him before exiting the vehicle. She just wanted to get it done. It took no more than twenty minutes for her to finish the transaction. She walked out, feeling the weight of the envelope thick with Euros in her sling bag. She was relieved to be rid of the drugs, a wad of cash was much easier to explain than a few pounds of Heroin.

As she got back into the car she lay her head back onto the headrest, for the first time realising how tired she was. Just before she could close her eyes, even for a few seconds, Frederic leaned back, handing her a paper cup that was still steaming.

"I took the liberty of getting you a coffee, I thought you could use it. That shit they serve on planes is horrible enough to kill you."

"Tell me about it," Alex said as she gratefully reached for the cup.

"So what now, Frederic?"

"You drink your coffee, and I take you to your hotel to settle before the fun begins."

Alex took another deep sip of her coffee, feeling her eyes grow heavy.

"I can deal with that," she said, before her head fell back and she was lost to the world.

* * *

"Polly, I'm starting to freak the fuck out! She said she'd call when she got there and that should have been hours ago. The flight is less than eight hours and it's been almost twelve since she went to the airport."

"Piper, can you stop for a second and think that there might be a completely rational explanation for this? Maybe their take-off was delayed, maybe her phone died. Anything could have happened."

"Exactly! Anything! She could be stuck in customs, she could have been fucking arrested for all I know!"

Polly approached Piper, placing her hands on Piper's shoulders.

"Piper, look at me. How long has Alex been doing this? I don't know the details, and I don't want to, but from what I've seen and from what you've told me, she's really good at what she does. She's not some rookie that's just going to get caught. So I want you to listen to my following suggestion. You and I are going out. We are going to drink and we're going to dance and you're going to chill the fuck out and be excited that your ex… or girlfriend… or whatever the fuck she is right now is soon to retire from the very thing that caused you to leave her in the first place. Okay?"

"Why is it always so easy for you to make me sound like an idiot?"

"Sweety, you make it easy. So is that a yes?"

"Yes. You're right. I'm sure she's fine. I'm just going to try and call one more time."

"No, you're not. You're going to get dressed in something hot and slightly inappropriate and you're going to have a good night. See this as your bachelorette party, because I don't see you acting as anything but a married couple when she gets back."

This at least drew a smile from Piper. She reluctantly walked to her bedroom, now clear of Larry, and opened her cupboard to scan through her dresses. Maybe Polly was right, just go out and relax, Alex has always taken care of herself.

An hour later Piper and Polly were sat at a tapas bar, eating something light before going to a new bar they had heard of. Piper was playing with her bites of food, distracted by her still silent phone.

"Give me that." Polly reached for Piper's phone.

"What? No! Polly, please, she could call any minute."

"Yes, and you'll hear it from your bag. You're being plain rude, we're supposed to be having a good time and you're staring at an inanimate object the whole time."

Piper begrudgingly gave in, placing her phone in her bag. She'd always be able to check it every now and then without pissing Polly off even more. Piper forced herself to lighten up and at least try to enjoy her evening.

Several glasses of wine later she was definitely more relaxed, starting to believe the little voice in her head that was assuring her that everything was indeed alright. They finished at the tapas bar and walked the few blocks down to the bar, Piper laughing at Polly's jokes. They arrived and went down the stairs to the entrance at basement level, immediately making their way to order some more drinks.

It had been almost an hour since their arrival when Piper excused herself to go to the bathroom, it was almost midnight. As she entered the cubicle she took out her phone to check for messages.  _Shit._  There was no reception. How could she not have thought of that and checked sooner? She mentally kicked herself. She rushed out of the bathroom, passed Polly and headed out and up the stairs. The moment her phone picked up a signal the messages started coming through, one after the other. Fourteen missed calls. All from Alex.

* * *

Alex struggled to open her eyes, the room spinning from the after effects of whatever it was that Frederic had slipped her. How could she have been so trusting and so stupid? She tried to move but quickly felt the restraints on her wrists and ankles. She was tied securely to the chair she had been carried to. As her eyes started to focus she took in her surroundings. Her heart stopped momentarily when she saw where she was.  _How the fuck is this even possible?_

She was in the apartment that she had shared with Piper. It looked almost exactly the same, bringing forth a sudden wave of memories. Alex's breath was starting to race. Why was she here, of all places, tied to a chair?

Her head snapped up as she heard water running in the bathroom. Frederic stepped out moments later, drying his hands on a towel.

"Ah. You're awake. Good. You were out for quite some time there. How are you feeling?"

"How do you think I'm fucking feeling? What are you doing to me?"

"Calm down, Alex, you'll understand everything soon enough. Can I get you anything? A glass of water perhaps?"

"You seriously think I would take anything from you again? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Fair enough. But I need to make sure that you are completely awake, that you're aware and are able to understand what I'm going to say to you." As Frederic was speaking he calmly walked to the dresser and picked up a glass of water.

"And since you refuse to drink it…" He threw the water in Alex's face, causing her to splutter and gasp for air. Frederic, unchanged in his calm demeanour, sat on the corner of the bed and turned Alex's chair to face him. Alex tried her best to remain calm, she knew very well that fighting would only tighten her restraints and possibly anger Frederic, and that was something she didn't want to see.

"You see Alex, it's a tricky business we're in. You don't just get to retire with a nice severance package and carry on with your life. We work differently, I don't think I need to explain this to you. It's all good and well that you want out, many have before you, but you are one of the best, and we wouldn't want you to change your mind and go work for someone else.

Fahri's problem was that he was too soft with you. He was too quick to give in. He should have milked your desire to step out far much more than this last trip."

As Frederic spoke he unzipped a small pouch that was lying next to him. Alex immediately recognised the contents.  _No. Anything but this._

"But don't worry Alex. Kubra has found a fitting way to punish Fahri for his weakness. As for you, well, he has found it in his heart to release you from your duties. I am just here to give you your parting gift."

Frederic ignited the lighter under the spoon, cooking the heroin until it just started bubbling. As he pulled the syringe out of the pouch Alex couldn't keep calm any longer. Couldn't stop herself from begging.

"Please Frederic, not this. You can do anything to me just not this. Do you want money? I could give you a more than substantial amount. I'm begging you, please, not this!"

Her words fell on deaf ears. Frederic's expression remained unchanged.

"Speaking of money, your final payment is on the dresser. Kubra is a fair man, after all."

Frederic pulled the liquid into the syringe and aimed the needle at the crook of Alex's arm.

"Now, sit very still, this will only sting a little bit."

Alex felt tears stream down her face as the needle pierced her skin. She had never felt so disempowered in her life. There was nothing that she could do to fight this. She knew how Kubra's henchmen functioned, nothing would stop them from fulfilling their task.

As she felt the familiar warmth course through her body, she felt the restraints holding her down loosen. Frederic was untying her. She supposed there was no point in restraining her any longer.

"Before I go," he said, "one last thing." He placed a note at the edge of the bed, within Alex's reach. Before the drug took control of her completely she snatched it up and opened it, reading: "Here's to all the memories.  _Kubra"_

_That fuck_. That's why they had brought her here. To revisit the most painful moments in her life. She had to think, but her mind was already clouded by the opiates. As her body started slumping in the chair, relinquishing itself to the effects of the drug, the last clear thought that crossed her mind was  _Piper._

It felt like days had passed when Alex finally opened her eyes. She rolled onto her back where she was lying on the floor, her head throbbing and her mouth dry. She lay there for a few moments longer, willing her body to move. She sat up slowly, leaning against the bed. The effects had not worn off completely. She knew a high lasted three to five hours and was hoping that this particular one was nearing its end.

Alex scanned the room, trying to orientate herself. The clock on the dresser caught her eye, 05:23am. She had to phone Piper. It was late in New York, and she knew she must be worried. Alex crawled around the room on her hands and knees, not brave enough to stand yet, looking for her bag that contained her phone. The moment she located it she took out the device and hit the speed dial for Piper. It rang for what seemed like minutes, with no answer.

Alex had to speak to Piper. She had to tell her what had happened, what was going on. She also knew that she would only feel safe once she had heard her love's voice.

After the fifth attempt Alex's paranoia started to kick in.  _What if she wasn't waiting for me? What if she knows what happened and doesn't want to come near me again?_ Alex dragged herself to the bed, tears once again streaking her face.  _Well done, Kubra, this was truly the cruellest thing you could have done._  Frederic's words came back to her. What had they done to Fahri to make him pay? She was sure that she got off much lighter than he did. But she couldn't let her thoughts wander to that now. She dialled again and again, still no answer. Her thoughts became darker still, her fear mixing with the aftereffects of the drugs to make a dangerous cocktail. Fourteen tries and she gave up. Exhausted.

* * *

"Fuck!" Piper was furious with herself, even more furious with Polly for dragging her into that bar. She was dialling Alex as Polly came up the stairs behind her.

"You okay?"

"No! I'm not fucking okay! What time is it in Paris?"

"Shit Piper, I'm sorry. I think it's about a six hour difference? I'm not sure."

"Really? Because I thought you know everything!" Piper knew her anger was uncalled for, but the subconscious worrying of the entire night had just culminated in one giant ball when she saw her phone.

It finally started ringing. After what felt like a lifetime there was a small, weak voice at the other end.

"Alex? Oh my god Alex are you okay? I'm so sorry, I couldn't hear my phone. Where are you?"

"Pipes?" Alex knew she couldn't sound very good. "Where were you? I tried… they tried… Pipes, I don't know what to do."

"What do you mean my love? What's going on? What did who try to do?"

Alex couldn't hold back her sobs. Piper didn't know, but she had to tell her. It was the only way she would get through this, she couldn't face it alone a second time.

"Everything was fine, going smoothly. He drugged me Pipes, brought me to our apartment and injected me. I swear I couldn't stop it. I tried to reason with him, I couldn't fight him, I had no power. I'm so sorry."

The information slowly sunk in. Piper's heart was in her throat. What kind of a pig would do this? Of course she knew exactly who, she just couldn't believe he had done it to Alex. It must have been hell for her, to be in that space and have no control over her thoughts. Piper squeezed her eyes shut, fighting back angry tears. Weakness would not help Alex now.

"Don't you dare apologise Alex. You didn't ask for this. I just don't know what to do! I wish I could hold you and tell you everything's going to be okay. I can't imagine what you've gone through, what you're going through. What do you need me to do Alex?"

"Promise me you'll be there when I get back. I'm going to clean myself up and get the first flight back. Promise me Pipes."

"I promise. I'm here."


	17. Epilogue (Part III, Chapter 7)

EPILOGUE

(PART III: CHAPTER 7)

Alex's body was shivering. Heart racing, little beads of sweat dotting her skin. She was lost in a dream again, her body fighting against itself while her mind drifted towards her only sanity. She dreamt of Piper's arms holding her, her voice soft in her ear, whispering words of comfort.

"Alex, wake up. It's only a dream."

Alex didn't want to open her eyes. She didn't want the dream to end. She couldn't let go of Piper just yet.

"I can't, she'll be gone when I open my eyes. I need her…" Her voice was barely above a whisper. The fever running through her body was making every part of her ache. She clung to sleep as if it was her only salvation, her reality would be too harsh to bear.

The cool texture of a damp cloth on her brow woke Alex enough for her to finally open her eyes. Out of focus lines and shapes filled her vision, dark shadows and beams of light blending into one another. The figure next to her shifted, moving closer to her. She could barely focus her sight enough to just make out long strands of blonde hair framing soft blue eyes. Alex forced her eyes closed again.

"Still dreaming," she whispered into the pillow. Yet the light touch of fingertips on her cheek was undeniable. The lingering, warm kisses on her already feverish face burnt her skin with wonderful familiarity.

"Hey. I'm here. Open your eyes."

That voice. Not even her fever induced hallucinations could imitate that voice so perfectly.

Piper traced the ridges of Alex's cheekbones gently with the tips of her fingers. The fever felt like it was letting up, her body was shivering less and there was the slightest hint of colour adorning Alex's cheeks. Piper didn't know whether to laugh or cry at Alex's struggle between her dream and reality. She needed Alex to look at her, to see that she was truly there, not just a mirage or fantasy. She could see Alex struggle to open her eyes. Maybe the light was still too harsh for her, or maybe the fear still weighed too heavily on her tormented mind. But Piper needed to assure Alex of her presence.

Piper stretched her body out slowly on the bed, moving down and pressing the length of herself against Alex. Her face was mere inches away from Alex's as she slowly moved her hand down Alex's arm. Piper leaned in and gently kissed Alex on her lips, holding her with just enough pressure, kissing her with just enough urgency to remove any doubt that she was merely a figment of Alex's imagination. She felt Alex's body react, moving closer to her still, a hesitant hand resting on her hipbone.

"Pipes?"

"I'm here. I promised."

Alex's voice was still weak, but it was the first time in days she seemed coherent. As Piper moved back she thought she saw the end of a smile on Alex's lips before she fell back to sleep.

Two more days passed like this. It had been seven days since Piper met a very delirious Alex at the airport and brought her home. She had been nursing her with water and soups, feeding her whenever she could hold down food and tried to get enough electrolytes into her system. Piper wasn't exactly well versed in heroin withdrawal, but she figured she knew enough to help Alex through the worst of it. As she watched the woman sleep restfully for the first time in a week she reminded herself that Alex had done this before. She couldn't believe that she had done it alone.

As Piper returned from the kitchen with a fresh supply of water she was greeted by the sight of Alex pushing herself up in the bed. Piper had never been so relieved to see such a simple act. She rushed to the side of the bed, putting down the glass and reaching to help Alex steady herself against the pillows. Even after a week of mostly sleeping Alex seemed exhausted. Piper could only imagine what her body had been through. She immediately reached a hand up and placed it gently against Alex's now cool face.

"Hey." After all they've been through, it was all she could come up with. She had no idea what to say to Alex. She didn't want to ask too many questions just yet, she knew how agitated Alex got when she felt like she was being interrogated under the best of circumstances.

Alex blinked slowly as a smile grew on her face.

"You're really here. I thought I was seeing things, which is not completely unrealistic. I couldn't even remember getting back here. Did you…"

"Yeah, I picked you up and brought you home. I was so scared, Alex. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know whether you would wake up after you fell asleep the first day. I'm just so glad you're okay."

"Getting there. I'm sorry Pipes, I never meant for you to see me this way." Alex lowered her eyes, not being able to look at Piper. "I understand if this is too much for you. Not like I plan to ever touch heroin again, but I know seeing me go through withdrawal couldn't have been easy. I don't know how to thank you for taking care of me, but I'm better now. I can do this on my own…" Alex's voice began to tremor. "I understand if I'm too broken for you…"

Piper couldn't help the anger rising in her. As much as she understood where Alex was coming from, she couldn't believe that she really thought she would run away from this again.

"Excuse me? Hey, look at me." She lifted Alex's face to hers. "Do you honestly think that I would have spent the last week looking after you, feeding you and cleaning up your vomit, being by your side 24 fucking 7 only to leave when it was over? Are you fucking kidding me? Alex, what about the last few months makes you think that I'm not in this for the long run? It wasn't like the last week was the honeymoon phase. I told you I'm all in, and I meant it. Yes, I was fucking terrified, and yes, I couldn't exactly believe what was happening some of the time, but I never once thought of leaving. What the fuck Alex!?"

"Wow." Alex couldn't help but laugh. At herself for immediately jumping back to her insecurities and at Piper's infamous temper rearing its head two seconds after she woke up.

"I really know how to get you worked up, don't I?" Alex couldn't help the smirk on her face. All signs of tears had left her and she held Piper's gaze steadily.

"I really am sorry Pipes. I never wanted you to see me this way, so weak. I wanted to be this person who had everything together, who could offer you something worth wanting. I spent so long trying to become that and I feel that I came so close, and then Paris… Now I'm this pathetic mess again, feeling unsure and insecure, and you don't deserve that. I never wanted you to be sorry for choosing me."

"I didn't choose you, Alex." Piper's voice was soft. She still held Alex's gaze, unwavering, her expression unreadable.

"What do you mean? What do you mean you didn't choose me?" As much as Alex tried she couldn't keep the fear from her tone.

"I didn't choose you, because there was never a choice. Alex, even thinking that not being with you was ever an option is like saying I can choose not to breathe, choose for my heart not to beat. You are a part of me, undeniably. You were like a ghost limb to me for years, I would always still reach out for you, feel you. Even though I tried to change, to move on, you were still there, lingering in the back of my mind. Saying no to being with you would be like saying no to being whole again."

Piper's voice trailed off. She didn't want to get emotional in front of Alex so soon after all that she had been through. As Alex covered her hand with her own she knew, however, that this new shared vulnerability was what made things different between them this time. There were no walls, no masks, it was two people laying themselves bare, unprotected.

"Come here." Alex lightly pulled Piper towards her. Their lips touched lightly, conveying nothing more than love and adoration. Alex smiled into the kiss, Piper's words still sinking in.

"I love you, Piper Chapman." Their lips met again. "And I don't know how to thank you for helping me. But now I want to get clean, properly. And I would love it if you would join me."

Alex could feel the smile growing on Piper's face. Wordlessly Piper helped Alex up from the bed, pausing for a while so she could find her balance, before they walked hand in hand to the bathroom.

Piper opened the taps in the shower before helping Alex undress. Her hands moved slowly, disrobing the tall body in front of her with gentle movements, her fingers lightly brushing against soft skin. Her motions were fluid, her body drawing from muscle memory, as if she had undressed Alex hundreds of times over the last years. Her hands moved as if nothing had changed, but her eyes traced up and down Alex's body finding little differences, small scars, slightly different curves and lines, all with stories that she wanted to know.

As the last of Alex's clothing hit the floor, Piper stepped closer, letting her head rest on Alex's shoulder allowing herself to inhale her warm scent. She felt Alex's hands reach for the hem of her shirt, starting to pull it upwards as Piper lifted her arms. Alex mirrored Piper's slow movements, as if memorising every inch of newly exposed skin. She held her breath as she took in Piper's naked form, hoping to freeze the moment.

Wordlessly, Piper took Alex's hand and led her into the shower. With her back to Alex she pulled them both under the gentle stream of warm water, relishing the familiar feeling of comfort and renewal it always brought her. As Piper lifted her hands into her hair she felt Alex's hands move on her body, sliding them over her wet skin as she moved around Piper. Her hands barely grazed Piper's breasts as she brought them up to her shoulders to pull her closer. Instinctively Piper dropped her hands to hold Alex, smiles of absolute contentment on both their faces. It all felt so normal, so right. Piper thought familiar until Alex's lips finally met hers again. This was anything but familiar. It was like being kissed by Alex for the first time, completely different to anything she had experienced with this woman before.

Alex kissed her, not shyly, not demanding, but like she had a right to. Her tongue danced against Piper's lips, gaining entrance almost immediately. The moment Piper's tongue met hers they could both feel the sensation rippling through their bodies, eliciting a gasp from Piper and a slight moan from Alex. Piper deepened the kiss as Alex pulled her body closer still.

Alex's hands moved down Piper's body to her hips as she moved her thigh to rest between Piper's legs. Their movements were becoming slightly more urgent, as years of longing slowly started to surface. Piper couldn't stop herself rocking her hips against Alex's thigh, digging her nails into her shoulders as her centre made contact. They stayed like that for a while, allowing the water to wash away the fear and anguish of the past few weeks, cleansing themselves of their hurt and anger as they rediscovered each other.

Piper's movements became more pronounced, silently begging Alex for more contact. Alex lowered her leg slightly, allowing her hand to move between their bodies, finding Pipers core. The moment her fingers made contact with Piper's swollen lips Alex felt herself being pushed back against the shower wall, almost instantaneously feeling the pressure of Piper's hand on her own mound, searching out her wetness. They started to move together, heads leaning against one another. Alex felt her desire grow as she coated her fingers in Piper's juices, knowing that her body was betraying her need to Piper's touch.

Piper couldn't wait any longer. She entered Alex as she thrust her hips forward, taking Alex's fingers inside her. Alex swallowed the moan emanating from Piper as she captured her mouth, their tongues moving more fiercely, urgently against each other. Their movements synchronised, meeting each other with every thrust. As Alex's palm pressed against Piper's clit their kiss was broken, Piper throwing her head back at the pressure. Alex deepened her movements, pressing her fingers against the slick walls of Piper's cunt as she rode her fingers harder. Piper leaned forward again, bringing Alex face down towards her.

"I want you to cum with me." Her voice was heavy with need, enough to almost push Alex over the edge. They kept their faces close together as they continued to move, their quickening pace bringing both woman closer and closer to release. Piper could feel Alex's muscles tighten around her fingers as her own body neared the brink.

"Look at me." Alex pulled lightly at Piper's hair, raising her face to hers. The moment their eyes made contact they both became completely undone, their bodies crashed together as wave after wave of pleasure ripped through them. Piper clung to Alex, barely keeping them upright, knees threatening to buckle at any moment.

As they regained control of their bodies Alex took Piper's head in her hands, simply staring at the beauty in front of her. Her eyebrows shot up in surprise as Piper started laughing.

"Something funny? Because I don't recall having any humorous intent in what just happened."

"I'm happy Alex. I love you, and I've wanted you for so long, I'm just feeling so much of it I can't help it. Everything I feel is amplified when I'm with you."

Piper reached for the soap as Alex continued to look at her.

"I recall something about you wanting to get clean?" she said as she started lathering the soap in her hands before she ran them over Alex's body. Alex closed her eyes at the contact, her hyper sensitive skin burning at every touch.

"You know, we've never been able to do that before."

"Do what?" Piper continued her journey over Alex's body.

"Cum together like that. There was always one of us fighting for control, wanting to be the dominant one. It was like one of us always had to prove something, that we were sorry, or forgiven."

Piper was surprised by Alex's words. She had avoided an emotional conversation after their making love because she knew that it always made Alex uncomfortable. She had expected Alex to make a joke about it, make light of the situation even though she knew there was so much to be said.

"Maybe it's because we're finally being honest with each other. Please Alex, just promise me we'll always remain that, honest?"

Alex turned around to face Piper again.

"I promise. Always."

That night as they lay in bed Piper allowed her mind to wander, thinking back to when she had met Alex, the start of their relationship, the tumultuous ups and downs, their heart shattering end. Her thoughts moved through their years apart, her regrets, her attempts at a life without Alex. The more she thought about it, the more she was sure that every turning point, no matter how obscure, how fickle it seemed at the time, had led her back here. This was where she belonged. Inevitably.

"What are you thinking about?" Alex's voice broke through her contemplations.

"I was just thinking about how everything played out, the fucked up route we had to go through to where we are now. I both wish everything could have been easier and I know that everything was supposed to happen the way it did. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, in your roundabout way of thinking" Alex chuckled. "You remember when we were in Japan and you showed me that beautiful bowl with the gold patterns?"

Piper nodded.

"I looked for one when I was in Japan again, years later. I asked around and they told me that it was actually a Japanese tradition. It's called Kintsugi. They believe that when something breaks and is repaired, it should become part of the object's history, rather than something to hide. By using the gold it often makes the object much more beautiful. I think that's what we are. We were so broken Pipes, together and apart, but somehow we found a way to put it back together. You and I are both more whole now as individuals than we have ever been, and that could only make whatever we build more beautiful than we could ever have imagined."

Piper stared in awe at the woman in front of her. She again let her eyes wander, taking in new marks and lines on Alex's skin. She thought of the things that Alex had been through in only the last few months, finding it hard to believe that such hardship could have a positive effect, but Alex was right, it was as if every experience had made her stronger and more beautiful.

Piper had always believed in happy endings. Now, lying here with Alex, she didn't believe in endings at all.

(THE END)


End file.
